Superlatives.

'09 is almost over, and I frankly couldn't be any happier. It was not a bad year, by any means, but I'm ready to move on.

Throughout the baad, and the good, I gained a group of friends that made life that much easier to bare.

First and foremost, I must start with K. Facey.


To even talk about how far we came, is quite ridiculous. To me, she was that loud mouthed chick who had an odd fetish with Panda, and if I recall correctly, she thought I was that awkward kid who had a crush on her (she had a healthy ego back then ;D)

Somewhere along the way, we exchanged cellular numbers, and started to bond, and the true Kibby emerged. Up until that moment in time, I have never met someone without so many layers. What made her even more unique was that each layer I peeled away, her true colors shined even more.

Something about her infectious personality immediately influenced my life. I wouldn't be tweeting nor blogging if it wasn't for her. She introduced me to Lady Gaga -- which if anyone ever held a conversation with me about music, would know I am a vehement fan of the Gaga.

Even while writing this post, I can feel all of what she has done to help forge who I currently am.

Ms. Facey's influence was also supplemented with R. Mowatt.



One of the most lovable and kindred souls I met, we started talking to each other in Chemistry class (she was always making flawed facial expressions (:) and some how, everything just fell into place. Somewhat of a whirlwind friendship, we immediately immersed ourselves into each others life, almost as if we grew up with each other. She was there for me during a peculiar time, regarding a certain female, and I was there for her through whatever trials and tribulations that occurred.

Honorable Mentions:

S. Smith: Has an amazing style that pushed me to explore different things.


K. Ortiz: Humble and poetic., but our adventures just begun.


M. Reyes: Blood doesn't have to exist to be a true brother; but since we've known each other since 3rd grade, he's ineligible.

So, I finally did it.

I believe this time will be the last time for awhile. I just had to end things with her, because this whole dance that we do is not healthy, at all. Of course even as tears stream down my face, and my head throbs from pain, I still rather remain in my comfort zone, but I just had to break up with her.

Haa, but using the term "break up" doesn't even apply to what we were, right? Still, to this date, that was the hardest thirty minutes I had to go through. Within the first few minutes of the conversation, I just straight up told her. Of course, I couldn't help myself, and the tears came quickly, and my voice started going really high and sounding awfully whiny.

I think when she heard my voice, it shocked her.

After discussing with her why, and the awkward silence that followed (though it was filled with sniffles and random sobs), we talked for a bit, but the affects of what I said already occurred. There was so many things that I wanted to say, but I was just choked up.

She asked me if she could text me, but I had to follow all the way through. At the last moment, before she had to go, she said "I'll miss you." Which is still tear inducing, even writing about it now. She stumbled with her words as she was saying good bye, and then hung up.

After she hung up, I broke down and cried, as if some part of me was holding back, just for her sake. Then of course I started to blog, but nothing seems to cure it. She still remains the closest to love. Maybe she won't understand all of my reasons, or how I still look out for her, and still love her. But, its time for me to move on, and look at other horizons. "/

"So much work was for nothing, and I felt bad taking it all so easily within days"

You Found Me // Poison

I need to stop thinking.

My friend said that I think too much, and that I shouldn't think much today. I wish I could've followed his wise words, because all of the thinking that I've done just caused me to be ill.

I have been listening to The Fray lately, and You Found Me finally made sense to me (after what, months?)

The story in the lyrics is quite simple, a man is simply asking God where has he been throughout life.

Of course many people have lamented the same question, but I even more so just wish for ten minutes with God. I'm not saying that I'm so significant that I deserve time with him, just to figure out why my life is the way it is, but I just need for him to answer whether or not thing occur for a reason.

If things happen for a reason, then I think life would be somewhat easier to deal with. I mean, knowing that this temporary, self-sabotaging stage in my life won't last forever makes things a lot easier. But, if nothing truly happens for a reason, and life is just nothing but chaos, I don't think I really could deal. As humans, whenever something happens to us that we can't exactly comprehend, we have to find someway to justify whats going on around me, and as of current, I'm not seeing any justification.

Of course, this segways into the only thing in my life that would force me to this point. Her.

It's pretty much canon at this point, that we're in a relationship, just not physical. Ehr. Ehr. Ehr. This is where the crux of the issue lies. I simply cannot start a relationship with anyone else unless I rid myself from her. It's easier to say what I need to do versus actually doing it. I figure if I vocalize it, then maybe it'll happen. I realize that I'm at a constant ebb and flow, with her being the moon that dictates my movement. I just need to actually cement the fact that she doesn't care how I want her too, and just leave her behind.

Hi there.
Do you hear me?
I once jumped for your attention.
I used to dream of taking your hand.

Bye now.
Do you see me walking away?
Gravity keeps me from grasping your full attention.
The dream of marriage quickly turned into a nightmare.

Hello Again!
Are you surprised?
Your tongue is forged of silver.
The words you spew draw me in.

Adios!
How many times have I said this?
Your emotions are a cheap imitation.
I prefer a grave over the prison you chain me too.

-- a very quick poem by me. Not even sure if I like it yett.

I have to make the tough decisions, 'nuff said.

Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world
-- The Fray
______________________
You're bad for me
I clearly get it
I don't see how something good could come from loving you

The death of me
Must be your mission
'Cuz with every hug and kiss,
You're snatching every bit of strength

That I'm gunna need to fight off the inevitable
And it's a heart-breaking situation
I'm up in but I can't control
-- Beyonce

Bad Romance.

Life offers many choices.

Which is most likely why I often find myself at some internal crossroad of some sort. Whether to move ahead, and leave my past behind, or chose left or right, where I more often than naught end up going in a huge, drawn out circle.

Like, not to say that life makes itself hard just for me, because I really don't think that way at all. But, currently, I'm faced with a decision that could change a lot of things around me. Sadly, no matter how much my inner child wants to crawl out of me, I know deep down that this is not my time to complain or think about myself.

The sacrifices that I make constantly astound me when I look back at them. I truly wonder whether I do them because I care about her so much, or because I am a glutton for pain. I think it's the former, because the pain that I do endure just for her well-being goes beyond a standard friend. Even though I still think about her constantly, and even if I still think I would be great for her, my brain has already accepted the role of she cast me in -- even if my heart hasn't accepted it yet.

I still think there will be a part of me that will always yearn for her, and that won't ever change until I find someone to replace her completely. Until then, I just roll with it.

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don’t wanna be friends
-- Lady Gaga

Incomplete .

Yet I really don't feel like adding anything else to it.

\_____________________________________

My mouth clamped shut.
Words are beating on the interior of my mouth.
Relentlessly trying to find a way out.
To spit those words that desperately need to be said.

My mind acts as a cowboy.
Reigning in the renegade thoughts.
Tightening the leash the more they push.
The mind doesn't trust those thoughts in this reality.

My heart weeps silently as it tries to ease the tension,
Causing a flash flood of tears.
The tears smash into the mouth,
Trying feebly to lessen the control of the muscles.

These words simply don't belong in the world.
Where things never remain the same.

Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)

I'm going to fine tune this post a bit later, but I'm kinda rushing.

Realizations in general suck ass. I mean, in theory, they should be one of the most coveted natural events that occur in this world, right? Everyone wants to be able to figure out what's bothering them, or that thing that's blocking them from seeing the truth, but why is it that whenever it happens, almost 100% of the time, everyone is wishing that they were still in a false reality?

I guess it's still the immaturity in me. There's no really other way to explain it. Over the course of the week, I've gained back my insight (which I lost for a week, haaa) and I just realized a lot about the people around me.

But, I think that I show waaay too much kindness, and I have huge expectations. Those coupled together already creates a deadly combo. I underestimate a lot of the people around me, 'cause they're not showing their affection to me, like others would.

Even more so then that, I just want to know that if I'm realllllly connected with someone, that I'll be picked first, y'know? The only issue with that, is there is something within my personality that allows them to chose that other person over me, and I'll be okay with it, and just remain silent. So then I'm just stuck, questioning myself and everything.

Ehrrr Ehrrr Ehrrr. I just wish that I wasn't so into my head all of the time.

Eh eh, eh eh
There's nothing else I can say
Eh eh, eh eh
- Lady Gaga

Speechless .

Don't you hate those awkward moments that enters into your body, and chokes your lungs, and it renders you breathless?

And you want to talk, or at the very least, be able to think, but you're just rendered speechless. The only thing that you can do is cry like a little bitch.

Haa, I've found the most amazing quote, and it happened randomly too. I was at the eye doctor's, and I was getting my vision tested. So, I said "Can you gimme a second? I need some time to focus on the letters." and the lady said "Yeah, tears help you see clearer."

Of course, tears only help you see, 'cause it keeps your eyes moist.

But other then that, when she said it, it truly struck a cord. Maybe all of the redundant tears that decide to break free from the barricades I've set up, really do serve a purpose. But as of yet, they don't serve a purpose, 'cept for ruining my tear ducts. "/

I can't belive what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up
--- Lady Gaga

Sunshine .

")

I'm just in a happy mood. For no reason in particular.

Well that's a slight lie.

I found my nikon, and I was looking over some old photos. And they reminded me of the precious time I shared with people, and why I wanted to be a photographer.



Greeeat times in Chemistry ahahah.



Mi amor! "D During out photoshoot. I remembered being so startled by her constant jumping around, ahaha.



Texting her during the summer after I got off of work. I thought I was soooo fly 'cause of how I shot this, lol



Same day. Just felt inspireddd.



And one of the most beautiful places in the world.

All of this stuff may seem insignificant to most, but I think it's just important for people to find those small things in life that makes you happy. Other than a palm pre ("

You're my sunshine (you're my sunshine),
You're my moonlight (you're my moonlight),
You're the starry skies above me won't you please come down and hug me,
Think I found love in this club tonight
-- Lupe Fiasco

Smile .

Hah. Quite a beautiful day. Pretty normal. Didn't do much, but went to the sprint store, deny a free phone (in lieu of me paying 200+ for another one).

But, it only got good when I was on the phone with Paranoia. After telling her straight up that she wasn't showing the affection I needed, and that once she moves, it was all up to her to keep up our friendship. So, she was telling me how she was wrapped up into this dude I will dub Ares. She was saying how sad she was, and how much she regretted not getting with him when she had a chance, and how hurt and tormented she was.

And I laughed. Kept on laughing. Then started to bust out with the jokes. True , unfiltered karma hit her smaaack dab in the heart and she is feeling what I felt, and most likely more. Only thing is that she doesn't have to carry those feelings of sadness around for over a year.

After she told me all of that, I got ready, and headed out to a party. As I was walking out, the Lily Allen song "Smile" popped into my head. I flashed back to this time where my sister was listening to it, and I scoffed at her, and called her bitter that she agrees with this song, but she told me "One day, you'll understand exactly what it means." Of course, I recounted that experience with her as I was outside, for now I finally understand the whole song. Then, I texted Robyn 'cause she just naturally followed, ahahaa. Throughout the car ride, and at the party, I was just all smiles though. Like literally, nothing could phase me, and I felt elated. I felt bad that her unhappiness was causing me such extreme elation, but all I could think about was "'BOUT TIME."

ahaha, anyways, quickkkk shout out to my (full-time) amor ("

*my creation too lol

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile
-- Lily Allen

Not Falling Apart .

So today started off normal. Trying to study for a test I should've prepared for awhile back. Got to school, studied, went to first, chilled, did the normal. Second period was great, and then lunch came, and the most awkwardest moment in my life happened.

It was most the first time I was rendered speechless, and it didn't even deal with romantics. I was shook after lunch, and left walking around all shook. Come to my algebra 2 test I wasn't exactly ready for, but I manged through it, and found out it was only practice.

It was like everything academically went right that day, but socially I was falling apart. I get home, and then I'm on the phone with Paranoia. It wasn't anything special. Nothing beyond the usual. I keep my blockades up, as usual. But they eventually erode, 'specially 'cause I can't talk to her about my issues.

So, I hung up with her to proceed and do my homework. And I start to feel my throat close up and getting anxious again, which is something that happens all to often. I feel overwhelmed, and it's usually has to do with me not managing my time correctly.

But a friend of mine was acting ignorant, and using a racial slur that wasn't necessary at all for a picture comment. And I didn't feel like chillin' with someone who can act in a certain way in one breath and in the next talk to me, 'cause "I'm an exception". So I canceled. Said my cousin Sandals was coming in, lmfaoo. But then he started to ignore me, and it was just whatever. Another mistake that's my fault.

Get into an argument with my dad, which was slightly heated. He tried me on the meaning of premeditated, and just other stuff that was draining.

I fill my mom in on what happened, and then I inquired when I could get my new phone, and even though it was something so insignificant, but it was the catalyst. The Palm Pre was something I've been looking forward too for so long. And when she said a year, I was distraught. All of the times I sacrificed was just in vain, but it was whatever.

Just in general, I've been having days where I feel defeated, but I just have to keep a stiff upper lip is all.

Try my hardest not to scream
I find my heart is growing weak
So leave your reasons on the bathroom sink
-- Maroon 5

The Coolest .

So, this bloggg post is definitely dedicated to shawn smith.



Pretty much, I started talking to this guy during May or June after I followed his blog. I heard about him before, 'cause "He's the blacker version of chris brown", and through a few mutual connections.

I always digged his style, and talked to him occasionally but it was just acquaintances, but recently, just talking to him more, and him letting me into his world, a whole new person was before me.

He's just the type of person who's easy to talk to, and each conversation is never exactly the same. Always willing to listen to new music, try new things, and always changing up his style, is extremely commendable, and I hope I can get to that point in my life soon.

The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
-- Lupe Fiasco

"Barren"

Bent down, living on my knees.
Don't you see what you have caused?
I come to you with my heart open.
Why don't you understand?

Fighting to stay relevant, both hands on earth.
Do you remember the lies you fed me?
I let you into my life, flaws and all.
Why did you make me regret it?

Passed out, breaths are few and far.
Will you truly miss me?
I hope my defeated image haunts you.
Or would you brush me off, even in death?

Dead and Gone.
You won't shed a tear.

Poem by me.
Kinda used a Shakespearean sonnet without the rhyming or pentameter scheme .. which makes it nothing near a sonnet ahahaha.

Heartbreaker .

Yesterday I left one of the most amazing cities in the world, so far. On the car ride back, turning my Zune on shuffle, I cranked the volume up to drown out mindless chatter, and I went into my personal nirvana.

For all of five seconds.

An underrated song, Heartbreaker ft. John Legend came on. At first I really didn't think much of it. I was just immersing myself into the world that the song created. The more and more I listened to it, the more thoughts started to hit me. Isn't it funny how putting things into a different context makes it all that much different? Regardless, as I listened to that song, and paid attention to the lyrics, pressed repeat just to make sure I was hearing it right. When I knew I had, I pressed onto another song, and sat in a cramped Mercedes for about four hours thinking about my latest revelation.

Of course it's about Paranoia. I think as a self-defense mechanism, I don't really think things out clearly when it occurs. Instead, I smile and just roll with it. But, it never fails! Give it a few days, a week, or months, and it'll hit hard, and all the feelings of resentment rises right back up and rears it's ugly head right back into my life.

(Un)Fortunately, I most likely have a sure fire way out of this. She's leaving. So, no matter what, it'll be done.

But it's just horrible when you feel yourself slipping back into the grasp of someone. It's all about context, and just seeing her now, my heart goes into overdrive all on it's own, and does flip after flip. Just recently, one of the things that annoy me, is that she said "I love you" and "I'm really going to miss you."

Ehrg. asd;dfigjalkfdjasdj.

As it so happened, I was texting my guardian angel, and she's like "Paranoia is a tease." and at first I was like "Yeaah" 'cause well, that's how she operates. Then, Paranoia hits me with that mess, and I haddduh forward it to my friend. 'Cause it's true, that's all she was doing is teasing me. I guess there's more to love then romantic, like platonic love, but I know for a fact she knows what she does. Like mentioning other people around me, and how she couldn't stop staring at them. That stuff just makes me feel shitty and inadequate. <--- those are two feelings I refuse to feel. So I become heartless and mean towards her, just to even it out somewhere. My whole thought process is that if I put up emotional blockades to severe all connections with her, then maybe it won't be so bad.

Truth be told, I'm not ready for her to leave. And I desperately want to obtain the things that she denied me for too long. Warmth. Mutual love. Kiss.

Ahahaha, well. I feel lame now.

Remember when, I caught your eye,
You gave me rainbows, and butterflies,
We did enjoy, a happiness,
When our love was over, I was such a mess,
I smiled at you, and you smiled back,
That's when I knew, there's no turning back,
You said you loved me, and I did too,
Although it's over, I still love you


You're in my mind, you're in my heart,
I wish I knew, right from the start,
All my friends say, you'd break my heart,
A heartbreaker, right from the start.

I tried to fight it, I tried so hard,
And everyday I'd pray to God,
That you an me, were meant to be,
But you had another, you had a lover,
And now it's gone, I don't know why,
I feel like crying, just wanna die,
I can't look at you, and you know why,
Now I tried so hard, to catch your eye.
--MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend

Flashingggggg Lights.

This weekend is going quiet amazinggg.

Until friday night.

As I was laying in my mom's hotel bed, around 11 at night, I get a phone call from a friend.

Friend: Qaree
Me: Whatsup?
Friend: I cut myself and it won't stop bleeding.

At first I started to laugh. I mean, that's a hell of a opener, jaa? But, the seriousness in their voice made me think twice, and I started to tell them to clean it out, stuff like that.

But what I kept thinking throughout the phone call was what drives people to do things?
What could possible drive a person to hurt themselves to the point where they could have lost feeling in their arm, or even worse.

I followed up with a phone call today, y'know just to check up. And they couldn't talk 'cause they had someone over thier house, the person that drove them to hurt themselves.

At that point, I am flabbergasted, and just in total disgust with the situation. Do we naturally inherit a gene that makes us gluttonous for pain? Is it in our coding to throw out the excuse of love, and suddenly it is justifed?

I don't know if I'm doing a general rant on love, or just on ignorance, but both of them currently are upsetting me. Why do we strive for something that even when it's going right, it's still not 100% satisfying, and when it goes wrong, you have to lash out on yourself, or anything close by just to feel better?

As I recall, I know you love to show off.
But I'd never thought that you would take it this far.
What do I knowwww.
Flashing. Lights Lights.
What do I knowwww.
Flahing. Lights. Lights. Lights. Lights.
-- kanYe West

Soundtrack to my Life.

I think, it's an amazing when you have someone in your life that transcends any level of friendship that you've ever had.

Like when every fiber of your being wants to be there and help them. I just think it's a grand feeling.

It only happened once to me. Like, today actually.

So, I'm on myspace talking to my friend. And he's going through a lot. And outside of the fact that I started to feel sad, but I just wanted to rectify anything I could. Deal with the brunt of his problems just so he wouldn't have to.

I think connections like these are a necessity to survive. Once you can get to this level of realization just in general, I feel like things become brighter. I'm not only living to do right for myself, but for others that truly depend on me.

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life.
-- Scott Mescudi

Where'd You Go .

It's quite funny when you realize that people in your life are slacking.

And then when you alert them of it, it seems as if it doesn't phase them.

Current issue in my life, is trying to recapture back a loss companion. Maybe I make a big deal out of things <--- which is a common theme in my life. But whenever I make a big deal out of something, nine times out of ten, often there is a lot of truth to what I am saying. While analyzing others, I analyze myself. I do realize that I have dependency issues, and when one leaves my life, I have to immediately find someone to fit the empty spot. Usually I don't fret over that person leaving, 'cause I know people are here for reasons, seasons, blah blah blah.

But I just simply cannot lose this person. Just talking to them, I can hear the difference within them and it's astounding how just a few hours can change everything.

Regardless though, no matter how infuriating they currently are, I'll stick by. I lost, or in the processing of losing my brother. They are the only one I could truly connect with on that same level. =/

He said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
-- Mike Shinoda

On My Own Time (Write On!)

I don't know what draws me back here, so often. But I guess whenever I have something that just sits on my chest that gnaws at me until I want to burst -- this is the place.

Something about this week has just been eh-ish.

I think, maybe I had a great saturday, and I put myself way to high.

But, a lot of small things have been building up.

First, is that sickening feeling of losing a friend. I mean, I tend to look waaay too much into things. It's just how I am. But, at the same time, I just see signs of losing a friendship that I depend (depended) on. I feel bad about talking to the person about it, for it's not even like I don't care about them. It's the exact opposite, but something intangible is stopping me every single time.

After that, I could go on and on about the horrors of friend zone and how truly torturing it is, but beating a dead horse is just so tedious. At least I can claim an improvement in the fact that it's not Paranoia.

Then, I don't know if it's just the fact that I compare myself to people too much. I just feel disappointed with that I am doing and everything.

But like Kibby says. "Self-pity is only allowed once a year, unless you're Qaree, then you can't do it at all."

I just need time to walk it off,
but I can’t do it
I’ll write it on my own time
Hey look I made it on my own (on my own)
I know she thinks that I don’t try, but I realize that I can do better
Write, write on
Makin’ a mess as I progress
No time to cry about it, do better
Write, write on
- Gym Class Heroes

5th Period English Assignment .

In english today, I was assigned with the task of writing about an experience that changed your life.

=)

No need to follow up with what I wrote about, but here it is. We had to submit it onto this website where we get graded for our work.

___________________________________

"Paranoia"
Talking about an experience that changes your life is a hard task. Everything in this world is subjective, for one can proclaim that not having a parental figure in their life is worse than losing a soccer game. However, in all of my short life of fifteen years, I have had the pleasure, or rather the curse of being the closet to being in love. The love that makes your stomach flutters nervously when they are around. The love that keeps you up at night, tearing up, and making you hates yourself and that person with every tear that escapes your eyes. The love and hate, coupled together forged an experience that makes anything else pale in comparison. This is not a story of an adolescent boy finding what he thought was love; this is a cautionary tale for everyone seeking out what you covet the most.

At the ever so ripe age of thirteen, I was definitely a mess. About forty pounds heavier, neither sense of swagger nor the maturity I pride myself for having now, one could get the picture that love was the least of my worries. So, imagine as I walked into my class one day, and there I saw her. It was not like in the movies where the light shines solely on her, and my heart starts running into overdrive. But I definitely felt a heart string or two tugs in her general direction. I decided that I wanted to get to know her, and completely immerse myself into her world. This was the first time I got exactly what I wished for. First being declined by her, then after a month or two went by, we became friends. It was like everything I liked, she liked too. There was nothing that was off limits, and we both shared each other’s true, unfiltered selves. But, as do most things in my life, the great things tend to go in the exact inverse, and soon the one who I thought was actually “the one” turned into my greatest foe.

I thought, maybe admitting my feelings would end these repressed thoughts of sadness and anger. We were in different circumstances, and at the end of the day, same people, yet radically different. I finally rationalize that I only wanted her; for I knew she was off limits. Yet, all great villains from the movies or comic books never die the first time they are slain, and she proved to be no different. She ended up going out with someone, which was the first in many blows dealt directly to my soul. Yet, throughout it all, I stick by the fact that she knew how I felt. I tried breaking free from her, and not talking to her. But as if I was entranced, she drew me right back in. I followed her like a lost puppy, and deflected the rumors of me liking her and we remained like so until the summer.

I dub my summer with her the “catalyst”. Feeling like I was under control, I could actually confine with her once more. Then, a series of events plague us, and suddenly my intense feelings of infatuation, slightly tinged with lust crept back into my body, and as the school year started, it manifests itself into a beast. A howling, constantly shifting, and ever so present beast that sat at the tip of my tongue every time we spoke to each other. The start of this school year mirrored the start of the last one, yet I focused it all with her. Of course, new people waltzed into my life. Females that I was willing to give my heart up to, but it did not matter, for she was it. I was so adamant on the thought of her and keeping her happy, that I neglected other friends, family, and even myself. The reward for such devotion was standing there and helping her as she pursued other males. But that was the thing; I was locked up into her. Even though it pained me beyond belief to help her find her love, I knew my role was to be her best friend, and help her out until she was ready for me.

The moment when everything boiled over, and I achieved what I wished for, that was when I realized it was not worth it. Everything became quite clear one day, as I realized the implications of everything that went on. Little thoughts that lived in the back of my head dashed out to the forefront, and suddenly I just knew, she was just simply not right for me. There is only so many times one can give their heart out on a silver platter, and watch it dissected, smashed, and handed back. The only thing I could take solace in was that the ends justifies the means, and what I am going through, eventually it will equate to something. But so far it has not. I do not like playing the victim role, and yet I find myself permanently there. My modus operandi completely changed just to keep up with her even morphing personality, and there was a time I looked myself into the mirror and honestly questioned who was staring back. The feelings of paranoia, frustration, and anger accompanied with her existence made it terribly difficult to talk to her. However, what hurt even most was seeing the one that I could see myself loving, marrying, having the stereotypical American dream with, morphed into a creature that I have never ever dreamed of encountering. Perhaps that was always there, and I just updated my senses, or my perspective has just been seriously warped. Either way, the day I am rid of every trace of her will be a day I look forward to, if for nothing but to give me hope.

Experiences are a funny thing. With age, they become distorted until they are only a fragment of the former truth, yet people’s lives are directly affected by them. While it is superficial to say love has affected my life so extremely, without a shadow of a doubt, I know it has. I was propelled into growing up faster than I ever would want to. I became, or rather I am, a shell of my former self, and I have to deal constantly with the scars she left behind. I wish to say even at this very moment I was on my way to being rid of her. But she is just a presence that will always haunt me.
_________________________________________________________
And for the record; first submission:

friggggin' beast.

=)

** just a slight add-on.

I honestly don't believe I have as been as livid as I currently am.

That's all.

("

Pursuit of Happiness.

Life is graaand.

I think, I figured out my purpose in life. Hah, and it's kinda funny as to how it happened.

So it's saturday night, and my sister was coming back home, so I was chilling in her room. My brother called me up, and was talking about his problems. And at first, I was getting distracted by a movie and a game, but when I actually focused, I just found that I can analyze a situation and figure out what's wrong. Then my other friend texted me saying tha the needed me, and I proceeded into helping him. Then a friend called me and needed me to take care of something for him. What's so amazing about him calling is that, we don't really talk anymore. In 5th grade, we were cool. And a bit last year. But him calling me asking for help, even if it was insignificant in the long run, it still makes me feel good that people recognize me as someone that'll help 'em. Or be there.

*Not that I'm getting a messiah complex, ahahaha.

So, I decided, I'm going to help as many people as I can. Not even trying to do it for a philosophical or a religious reason. But I think I feel so useless if I don't.

I guess, it's all about one's own personal pursuit of happiness.

I got into a rather fierce argument with my dad over my online courses and stuff, and I was telling him how I'm overwhelmed with keeping up with my school work, extracurriculars, volunteering and helping out people. And then he told me what's the point of helping out everyone else if I don't have time for myself?

But where would we be if we only looked out for ourselves primarily? Maybe I'm too naive. And I know from past experience, people don't give the same courtesy back. But I try not to dwell on it too much. It's their modus operandi.

Other then the growth of a complex, I find myself stumbling into new romantic situations. I don't know what to say about "Paranoia". Right now my head is pounding but I don't think it has to do with her. But it seems like my bad moods seriously correlates to her talking to me more often. Maybe I'm being unfair to her; as I tend to do. Or I'm just justifying her actions again. Ughhh. Headache is throbbing even more.

I think I'm going to get distracted by another female again. Just to ease things on. But I feel like a hypocrite for telling everyone to confront their issues head on, and I'm not. But after so many times of saying the same thing -- I can honestly say I'm done.

But, I'm going to wrap this pity party up, 'cause there's no point to it.
Why waste my time talking about things I can't change.

HAH. Okay. Random Fact. I laugh awkwardly whenever I get like seriously seriously blown away. Like currently. I'm slightly speechless.

"Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
You don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good"
- Scott MesCudi

Lipstick.

She uses me once again.
Twist.
Push.
Pull.
Whatever her method is, she always finds a way to yank me out my comfort zone.
She coveted me once, only off of what she saw.
Now I’m nothing but an accessory to a crime of stealing man’s hearts, and
leaving them behind in shreds.
Without finesse, she rubs me all over her lips.
But doesn’t she hear me?
I scream to break free from her overbearing grip.
To escape the dark, confining prison she mindlessly shoves me in.
But how heartless is she.
She just uses me, over and over again.
And I am a cohort in countless thefts and murders.
Until she uses me up, and buys another one.
If only she would hear me.

Gravity .

So. I'm not one for beating a dead horse.

But why does it seem like EVERYTHING I've been saying lately, it feels as if something is FORCING me to eat the words.

I just don't understand why I put myself in situations to fail.

But, the fact of the matter is, I need to work on that shit. I'm to old, and to battle-worn to have to worry about that.

So, onto that dead horse.

This morning started off horribly. I wake up, feeling horribly warm, and dehydrated. So I chug like 16 oz or so of water. Then I proceed to run up the steps and shit out everything that I ate yesterday.

So then, I go into my room, start cleaning it like I was suppose to.

Lately, I've been a facebook addict, so I was on it this morning, and I was IMing people, 'cause I was just so horribly bored.

And that's when I saw it. Her. On facebook IM. But.. she hasn't IMed me through AIM, like she usually does, but it didn't linger on my mind for long.

So I IM her through facebook IM, but not saying anything really. She was acting slightly different, but I didn't call her out on it.

So I'm talking to my brother on the phone, and then he ends up sending her a photo of me. Which for some reason just set me off, and started to make me really angry.

So I made small talk with her, kept it casual, and it was all good.

Then she logged off facebook, but was still talking to my brother.

SIDEBAR: The brother I'm referencing to isn't blood, so it's not as bad as it seems =P

Anyways, it dawned on me that obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. I got that from her facebook IMs, and it's just a point if she's still talking to him, but didn't IM me, obviously she didn't want to talk to me. Just stuff that my synapse connected.

My brother said, "You're never going to get over her."

But the truth is I have. Or I think I have? But it's not even a fact that she's talking to another person. That's quite irrelevant. It's just the simple fact that friday, everything seems quite chill when we're on the phone, and yet sunday you're avoiding talking to me..?

I understand yesterday's reality isn't today's reality, but all I ask for is consistency.

Ahaha, but, going back to a little kid for a second, thought perhaps, y'know, something is wrong with my AIM. And so, I asked people to make sure that I'm on AIM mobile. Which I am. And it goes through too.

So, at that point, and currently at this point, I'm incredibly cross, and just feel so blah. And, to quote someone, I'm writing out my feelings and it just makes me more mad.

But, I know I'm not going to say good riddance or I'm through with you. 'Cause I don't think I am. Part of me is. And I think the more and more things happen to me, that "Good riddance" side grows bigger and starts taking dominance.

Either way, I know I don't deserve this "love" nor do I deserve to have this feeling. To quote Kanye West, there is two keys to happiness;; changing the things that make you upset, or tolerating the things that you don't like. I've tried both, and failed miserably.

So what to do now?

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
- Sara Barerilles

A Beautiful Mess.

Ahahahaha. So I'm standing here.. making myself look like an asshole, attempting, to, y'know, look out for someone, like I promise them.

And.. I'm TRYING to tell someone one thing. And trying to get it through to them. Ehr. Actually, those events occurred yesterday. Today, I get a message from the person who I was trying to convince otherwise, and it says (SIDEBAR ;; this message was sent to him from the female I was 'talking for' last night. While I was talking to her I presume)

"I highly believe one day we're going
to date. Just.. not right now.
Just be my friend right now, that's what
I need"

Ahahahaa. So I saw that message. And start to laugh. Y'know, not the laugh where things are humorous. The laugh where not only I make myself look like an idiot, going out for the limb for someone, but of an odd sense of nostaligia.

First and foremost, I told her the same thing I told someone before, 'cause they told me that they didn't like a person before hand. I told them both to nip it in the budd before they follow around forever, y'know, so they will hate them for a bit, and get over it.

Well, as it turns out, in both situations, I was dead wrong. And just left feeling so.. STUPID. And, I hate feeling stupid, and especially in a situation like this. And so, I'm going to start washing my hands off with people. 'Cause it's becoming quite rediclous at this point.

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
-- Jason Mraz

Choking.

Hmm .

And so -- an interesting point in my life just occurred.

I'm on the phone. I mention a specific item that one person would want back from me. And she says, in a quite indifferent tone -- " I don't want it back ".

Hot diggity damn.

So, that caught me off guard. I stumbled for a bit to find my place. Like.. other then the fact that it's totally unexpected. Uhm.

THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH.

^^^ that was a slight outburst.

Basically, I've been looking for signs as to if she cares, or any indication as to whether I am wasting my time even trying to voice my feelings onto her.

And she proves.. once again, that I am wasting not only time, but strength, and in the end, wasting my heart on someone who throws it away oh so casually.

I don't know why I fall so easily into these stupid little traps. I don't know why I even let myself get the slightest inclination that she may have feelings for me.

It'll only let me down.

Ehr. I believe. This is going on.. the fourth or fifth time.

Aren't I a smart one?

SIDEBAR: This blog post was initially suppose to be dedicated to my amazing weekend that I just had, spending time with my family and such, however, this matter has dominated my entire being.

Stifled.

I don't know why, but lately, creative-wise, I've been quite stagnant.

I can't seem to crank out a blog post, nor make a blog layout that I wanted, or a banner! I have the pictures, yet they don't seem to go together.. or just anything.

But school is ticking down. So, I gotta get on the ball to enjoy my final moments.

• Create my blog layout
• Finish extra credd. language arts assignment.
  
• Continue the workout
  
• Furnishing my locker with my new locker buddddy Robyn [;
• Hang with Catrina.
  

Sounds like quite a list, huh?

Everything I am.

So, at 12:00 am I received a text message from Kibby, regarding my posture.

Me: I neeeeduh work on my posture muchooo.

Kibby: You do, humpback.

Me: Lmfao that's the most hurtful thing you've ever said.

Annnnnnnnnnd, she hasn't replied back =P

But as I've been working on my posture ever since I've been volunteering at the hospital, so for a good week, I've been working on it, and I think it's getting better.

[Though my back hurts like a muduhfuhkuh]

And so, as I'm making sure my back is aligned and such, and walking around my room keeping my posture [I'm sounding awfully lame here, but bare with me]

I started analyzing myself.

How I walk, act, carry myself, and everything.

And I must say, one of my biggest influences was my brother [ of course not blood, but still close as if we were] Michael .



Fact of the matter was, swagger was a foreign word to me, until he uhh, for a lack of a better word, waltz'd into my life.

Ahaha, I'm not trying to say that he 'cause this big revolution in my life, and ever since then, I've been amazing (not to sound cocky) ahahah.

But on a real note, the thing that he gave to me which I value the most is drive. The drive to better myself in every aspect of my life. And, helped me realized I am capable of doing things on a grand scale.

Since him and I became buddies, I did get the girl I trailed after for over a year. Made numerous improvements on the body. And well, actually just changed my whole modus operandi. And for that, I thank him over and over and over again for.

Damn, here we go again.
everybody sayin' what's not for him
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
damn, here we go again.
people talk shit, but when shit hits the fan
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
-- kanYe West

See You In My Nightmares.

"The way she haunts me, leaves me tormented at night.
I once was a boy, who dreamed beautiful yet unusually.
So when she slithered her way into my head, I only thought it was fitting.
But she inverted my world. Turned my life -- filled with such a vibrant light into a darkness so opaque, you'd doubt light ever existed.
She shifted my only source of support and made me feel paranoid to the extent of self-destruction.
But when I do wake up, seeing life now as a weathered man, I know never again to shut my eyes and let empty words lull me into a frightful sleep."

Written today. "See You In My Nightmares" inspired by kanYe.

Bad News .

I swear to God, sometimes life is so fucking UGHable.

So basically, I just don't know what I expect out of life, or maybe I do, but I don't wanna actually think about it..?

But lately I've been so disappointed with myself, with everything.

And today is just.. the top of it all.

I'm tired of people who don't know what they want.
Tired of people who drag me into several million different directions.
People that don't even consider my feelings.
People that just suck in general.

Leaving me wishing things that I feel like I shouldn't.

But once again, me being ever so mature, the feelings of extreme disgust and repulsion are gone, and now I'm only mad at myself that I allowed myself to even FALL INTO that deluded state of mind.

However. I'm done waiting. I'm done following 'pipe dreams'. Done just giving my all and expecting to get it returned.

To quote kanYe West;; " the requirement is inspirement ... and I am hiring. But also firing."

so be expecting some layoffs. =]

Didn't you know
I was waiting on you
Waiting on a dream
That'll never come true
Didn't you know
I was waiting on you
My face turned to stone
When I heard the news
- kanYe West

Good Night .

The thing that I find the hardest to grasp, is when someone, who has a semi-decent relationship, and yet it seems as if they're almost ready to throw it away.

Perhaps it's because I haven't been in a relationship that I could say I was proud of, or was even at a semi-decent level, but when I'm standing on the outside looking at a relationship that I could've thought was great, and yet it seems like both are throwing in the towel, I can't HELP but to feel like they're making a huge mistake. That they should work it out. But at the first sign of a speed bump they wanna jump out of the car?

I guess this is when perspective comes into play.

Because to them, that speed bump may not at all be perceived as a speed bump, but more like the precipice of an extremely daunting mountain, and they're not so sure as to if they'll survive or if they'll come out on top, showing off their scars to everyone, for they'll show how much they with stood.

See! I just trapped myself into an internal corner. Maybe -- its safe to say, when you're outside of the looking glass, everything always seem to so shiny, so perfect, almost as if its incapable of being tarnished in any way. And yet, when you're in that glass, slowly, that person you once was feeling madly in love with -- soon becomes distorted, and slowly you'll realize you don't even know them anymore.

I'm not sure anymore-more
Who is knocking at my door-door
All the faces that I know
Ya make them so sunny and true

I don't wanna say goodbye to you
So I'll just say good night to you
My people, no goodbyes to you
I'm just gonna say good night
-kanYe West

P A R A N 1 0 D .

The moments in life that I hate initially, yet as time goes on, I come to appreciate are the awareness moments.

Moments where you've been so caught up in your own life and own mind that everything seems as if its opaque.. and yet somehow that single ray of light breaks through it and shows you how flawed you are.

And that's exactly how i've been feeling as of late.

I've been starting to realize more and more things that I do that are flawed, but the most notable.. is paranoia.

And sadly, once again, its allllllll tied into one single female, and then spreads to multiple people, and now its simply a way of life.

SIDEBAR: blaming her for my way of life isn't how the rest of my blogs are going to play out nor is how I'm meaning it. She has just made such a huge impact that, whether its good or bad, I fear its very much apart of my identity for now.

Now since I'ma freak, I rhymed zoned the definition of paranoia:

Definitions of paranoia:

• noun: a psychological disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur

Ahaha, but by reading it, it sounds oh so much more complicated. Now, I know I've definitely have not been feeling the sense of grandeur, so that only leaves persecution.

And thats exactly how it feels.

I'd even go as far as to say its internal torment. And small things trigger it. Sending text messages and no reply back. Delays in phone calls. I've become a slave to my phone, and I can't help BUT to check it constantly, and whenever that person doesn't call/text back soon enough, I must constantly check and check and check to make sure it sent, make sure I didn't sound rude, etc. etc. etc.

It gets to the point where I'm thinking they're ignoring me, or just don't wanna talk to me.

But I'm glad to say, the more and more I become independent, the more the feelings of paranoia cease.

I still get anxious at times whenever I text somebody something important and no reply, but its not nearly as bad as it was before. And I'm glad to say I'm no longer revolving myself around her.

"Why are you so paranoid
Don't be so paranoid
Don't be so....
Baby don't worry about it
Lady don't even think about it
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things"
- kanYe West

Bittersweet Poetry.

"I love you.
Yet I cannot bring myself to be in love with you.
Once loving you so deeply.
And now being so distant.
I feel like it's a journey my heart cannot take anymore.
But I still stand there, waiting for you, at the train station.
Hoping you'll make the journey back.
And all will be perfect, just like it was.
But standing in that lonely train station reality sets in.
Things were never perfect.
You were never there.
So I pack my bags, and board the train.
In hopes my heart will find a stranger.
With a therapeutic smile, and longing of love eyes.
And we'll sit, chat, and reminisce.
And just maybe, I'll forget about you, and your perverse image.


But I doubt I will."

Train Stations and Therapeutic Smiles -- written by me earlier this year. Pretty g'narly, right? =P

But, as I ask my friend to create a photo-edit of his feelings of the school year that just passed, and I haven't even completely digested the school year, and me being the hypocrite, asked someone to do something I haven't even done yet, so I figured why not now.

To start off, to say I changed this year is quite of an understatement.

I've managed to keep lowkey drama-wise, which is a feat and a half, and kept my head on somewhat straight and focused on schooool.

Though the latter fell through as the school year trudged on, I could honestly say I had no emotional issues going on.

Enter: Faria.

Ahahahaha, I feel so lame for saying that. But on a serious note, I couldn't say shes the reason for all of my emotional discontent. More then anything, I've realized how disappointed I am with myself. But i'd be lying if I didn't say a small part of me didn't resent her for how she made me felt. A lot of the change that happened was due to her and the feelings I felt.

But throughout it all, I've realized how much I dislike myself, so the change that she caused was great.

Though -- if someone were to ask for me to go through it again, I'd proclaim HELL NO.

=D


UPDATE: My brother, Michael finished his edit.


Hah. One hell of a year for the both of us, huh?

Bring Me Down // Champion .

With things going on alllll around, I dunno if I have just a low tolerance level or what butttttt, certain things are wearing thin on me.

To losing friends who've you been close to.. and getting pretty much replaced.

To little comments that make you annoyed and.. I dunno just frustrated all together.

It would be quite easy for me just to let 'em bring me down, y'know? But at the same time, they make me try harder. Having a huge ego, and being very territorial, I HATE it, with a passion I might I add, when I feel like I'm losing, or people are slipping away. 'specially the people who are rather close to me. But, with those feelings, it really changes my perspective. Or.. how I operate to be more exact -- it makes me realize that I need to adept, and I need to evolve.

Moral of the post? It's easy just to say "This person/event/thing/whatever is hazardous to my health, and is bringing me down in every aspect of my life".

But you can't think like that. You gotta think like a champion, and adept like a champion.

sidenote: I already have three gold medals [;

I'll fly away .

Wow, so, today two big revelations.

Not even going to get into them.
Not ever going to try to FATHOM how life would be if one of the two actually happens (one of 'em will)

I just want to leave. Run. Quite Literally, break every ties from my life, and just run.

'cause I hate it when you get to the point where you don't want anyone to tell you any thing no more, 'cause you simply cannot handle it.

Its all apart of growing up I guess, but for something I covet SO badly, now I desperately want it to be simpler.

I'ma wrap this post up because I feel like I'm whining at this point.

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away. - kanYe West

And her reaction [;



Fwd:From: Kibby es Hermosa!
Sent: Jul 09 12:04AM
Msg: AWH I LOVEE YOUU..

Amazing .

So, as I sit in my chair, listenin' to Amazing by Kanye West, the person who pops up?



Like seriously, not event trying to ride her imaginary dick, but this chick means a lot to me, and has been my most consistent friend that I have met just at the start of the school year.

Family Business .

I was grubbbin' on some ice cream [chocolate] and, my grandma took me into her room to show me a poem I wrote in the fourth grade. Other then the fact that I wanted to be a lawyer [LAWL] I clearly wrote "I worry about my grandma". Thats of course not the first paper I wrote of my grandma, voicing my concern for her, and love. Then.. she showed me a picture .



Shes the one on the left.. and that picture was taken when she was in her fourties.

But I was in utter awe of how beautiful she was back then and still now. Which, I dunno, made me have a renewed look at my family.

From her, spawned my beautiful mother .



I could go on for days on the love I feel for herrr. Shes the most stable female I know, and knows how to keep everything going, throughout it all.

Of course, I have a father . As well as a brother and sister who I love dear -- and a little niece that drives me to the precipice of insanity on a daily basis.

But then theres me .



ahaha , was I trying to hard?



I'm thinking thats a bit better! [;

But, my family business - is so complicated all of the time, and not to rehash a phrase from my previous blog, but the dynamics of it is quite mind boggling.

Yet.. I couldn't even explain it. Seeing the picture of my grandma waaay back then, it makes all of the complications worth it.

Hmmmm . Does that make sense? ahahaha.

Last night .

Last I night I think I dreamt of you

Because I woke up smiling.

For just the slightest thought of your radiance brings a smile to my face.

With an understated grace and flawless features, one could imagine why the smile would come.

But your most alluring feature, is simply your soul, for I have yet to meet one as kindred as you.

Since our paths lead us in separate ways, each night I rush off to sleep just to see you.

Soaring above the rest of the people who remain chained to the ground.

For just the sight of you brings back that smile.

I'll be late for thattttttt .

Being late sucks, and it affects every aspect of your life, whether in a relationship or in a professional way.

Today, I was went to get my TB test, and the lady asked for this paper I was suppose to have since I went to the orientation, but I didn't have it.

Why?

My abso-bloody-lute-ly amazing father decided to take a shortcut and merge onto the directions that mapquest recommended, and we got lost. THEN, of course, him being ever so intelligent, decided to go a DIFFERNT way then he knew, and made me thirty minutes late to a HOUR orientation. I got my orientation packet that I had to look over by myself, but I didn't get the vacination paper I was suppose to have.

And so, back to the story, the lady, thank God, found a spare paper, and I was able to get the shots [which really didn't hurt] and left.

But I was MOST DEFINETLY pissed off. For if she didn't find a spare, I wouldn't have been able to get my shot, reschedule an appointment for the shot, which by itself takes at least a week to make sure it takes, and then another two days to make sure that one takes.

While that was going on, I also started to think about how being late fucked up my life.

Countlesssss females have came into my life and I've lost them, due to the fact of me being late.

The one I'll never forget? In 8th grade, this girl that I carried a very vibrant torch, actually liked me -- which I would've killed to know of, and would've most DEFF. acted on. But, instead she goes out with one of my best friends, but while we were talking one day, she was just saying "Y'know, I used to like you. But Austin was about to ask me out, so I just said yes to him."

Ahaha, I jumped up and screamed and victory danced. Then it hit me of the PAST TENSED of liked, && that she was going out with my best buddy.

Being late foils me once again -_-

But thats just a common thing. Girls ALWAYS tend to like me when they first meet me. Then, when I FINALLY realize it, I've been entered in - dun dun dunnnnnn - friend zone.

Yikes.

Won't even get started on how much friend zone sucks, but one of the biggest cons of friend zones is that all it does is remind you of how late you were in the first place.

But the only thing I can rationalize from that situation -- you can stop complain', 'cause once I'm there, the game is a wrap. [;

When it all falls down .

Today started off rather greatly .

I was faced with three different relationships, each with different situations, and affect.

My friend -who shall remain nameless for their sake- texting me about their boyfriend breaking up, and then as result, I called her, and learned of the whole story.

• Ever since she went on a vacation to Missouri, her and her boyfriend have been aruging over trivial shiizzz.
  
• Both felt like each other gave up.
• Tonight they got into a fight and he broke up with her... for the sixth time.
  
• And, of course, led her up and down by saying, "I still love you." to "We'll be getting back together soon." to "I think we're better off as friends" and y'know what? Gave her the ever so beautiful line "You don't deserve me, you're way better then me."
  

Uhhh. BOY BULLSHIT. ahahaha. I'm a dude, and I sniffed that one quite fast, and so did her cousins. However, she won't come to accept it yet, and obviously she still loves him so, and... I don't know. It makes me feel sad. I never want for her to feel pain like that, and thats all he seems to give her. She just said -- as I quote "Why am I so desperate for him?" =/

---- While I was talking to her, phone call from one of my many loves [;

She was on myspace, and was bored, so she decided to look through her old myspace mails, and I called it perfectly, found messages from her old boyfriends. So, her talking to her boyfriend, told her about it, and he (who has her myspace passwords) went through the mail [although she said she would fwd it to him] and then went on a tangent about how he hates the old her, and how stupid she was.

How flawed was that? Oh, wait, to add to it --those messages were from TWO YEARS AGO. Yeah. Hes over-protective as fuck, and shes into him a lot.. and I dunno. I just hope for the best for her.

And, once again, ironically enough, I get text message from my other friend.

She texted me asking me about how my bestfriend (they're going out) hooked up with my most recent ex (who I could HONESTLY say I had deeeeeep ass feelings for -- and it wasn't the same way obviously) and I was kinda like wtf? Some feelings are still raw, even though my bestfriend is like a brother to me, and the whole dynamic of my ex and I were just... mind - bottling. So, I was talking to my bestfriends girlfriend and I can obviously tell she gets annoyed when he talks about the girls he pulls on a regular basis. But that one pretttty much fixed itself.

But after I dealt with all of those situations, I was left pondering -- why does it seem like every relationship around me has some type of major crack in its foundation, whether they've been together for 2 weeks, 3 months, 8 months, or 25 years. More important then that, no matter how hard you try -- those cracks will never be fixed. At most, they may be built over with a stronger foundation. But eventually those cracks spread, and one way or another -- it all falls down.

July 5th

Quick shoutout to Robynnnnn && hope you have a great birthday!

=D

Friendly's .

Sitting at friendly's with the fam, and I must say, its great to be here. After dealing with difficulties everywhere its nice to go on a little vacate and reflect on myself. Watching my niece talk and just act makes me a bit.. Nostaglic? Ahahaha don't I sound so old.

Whoaaaa!bby ;; first post!?

Ahaha, after some 'technical difficulties' I'm posting! yaaaay!

But before anything -- I must make a shout out, and dedicate this blog post to Kibbret Abagail "Kibby" Facey - 'cause well, to be quite frank, she is kinda sorta the ish. She has had a major impact on me, and love her to death for it!

ahaha, anywayyys, i'm pretty much sitting here in this hotel, just chillllin'. Y'know, like a change of pace? Sucks that I gotta go back tomorrow, but ehh, I enjoyed it while I did. When I get back -- gotta get back to business! Hospital shots are a must. Start my summer extra creddd, and uhh, flirt. ** workout too. Ahaha, whattta list!

Currently listening to Supernova by Mr. Hudson featuring kanYe West. Extremely underrated song!



Uhh. I feel so... sluggish. Had Tony Roma's earlier too. Muy Rico! ahahah. Wow. Kinda lame there huh? Welllll, i'ma wrap this one up for now. But more posts later!