Heartbreaker .

Yesterday I left one of the most amazing cities in the world, so far. On the car ride back, turning my Zune on shuffle, I cranked the volume up to drown out mindless chatter, and I went into my personal nirvana.

For all of five seconds.

An underrated song, Heartbreaker ft. John Legend came on. At first I really didn't think much of it. I was just immersing myself into the world that the song created. The more and more I listened to it, the more thoughts started to hit me. Isn't it funny how putting things into a different context makes it all that much different? Regardless, as I listened to that song, and paid attention to the lyrics, pressed repeat just to make sure I was hearing it right. When I knew I had, I pressed onto another song, and sat in a cramped Mercedes for about four hours thinking about my latest revelation.

Of course it's about Paranoia. I think as a self-defense mechanism, I don't really think things out clearly when it occurs. Instead, I smile and just roll with it. But, it never fails! Give it a few days, a week, or months, and it'll hit hard, and all the feelings of resentment rises right back up and rears it's ugly head right back into my life.

(Un)Fortunately, I most likely have a sure fire way out of this. She's leaving. So, no matter what, it'll be done.

But it's just horrible when you feel yourself slipping back into the grasp of someone. It's all about context, and just seeing her now, my heart goes into overdrive all on it's own, and does flip after flip. Just recently, one of the things that annoy me, is that she said "I love you" and "I'm really going to miss you."

Ehrg. asd;dfigjalkfdjasdj.

As it so happened, I was texting my guardian angel, and she's like "Paranoia is a tease." and at first I was like "Yeaah" 'cause well, that's how she operates. Then, Paranoia hits me with that mess, and I haddduh forward it to my friend. 'Cause it's true, that's all she was doing is teasing me. I guess there's more to love then romantic, like platonic love, but I know for a fact she knows what she does. Like mentioning other people around me, and how she couldn't stop staring at them. That stuff just makes me feel shitty and inadequate. <--- those are two feelings I refuse to feel. So I become heartless and mean towards her, just to even it out somewhere. My whole thought process is that if I put up emotional blockades to severe all connections with her, then maybe it won't be so bad.

Truth be told, I'm not ready for her to leave. And I desperately want to obtain the things that she denied me for too long. Warmth. Mutual love. Kiss.

Ahahaha, well. I feel lame now.

Remember when, I caught your eye,
You gave me rainbows, and butterflies,
We did enjoy, a happiness,
When our love was over, I was such a mess,
I smiled at you, and you smiled back,
That's when I knew, there's no turning back,
You said you loved me, and I did too,
Although it's over, I still love you


You're in my mind, you're in my heart,
I wish I knew, right from the start,
All my friends say, you'd break my heart,
A heartbreaker, right from the start.

I tried to fight it, I tried so hard,
And everyday I'd pray to God,
That you an me, were meant to be,
But you had another, you had a lover,
And now it's gone, I don't know why,
I feel like crying, just wanna die,
I can't look at you, and you know why,
Now I tried so hard, to catch your eye.
--MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend