Flashingggggg Lights.

This weekend is going quiet amazinggg.

Until friday night.

As I was laying in my mom's hotel bed, around 11 at night, I get a phone call from a friend.

Friend: Qaree
Me: Whatsup?
Friend: I cut myself and it won't stop bleeding.

At first I started to laugh. I mean, that's a hell of a opener, jaa? But, the seriousness in their voice made me think twice, and I started to tell them to clean it out, stuff like that.

But what I kept thinking throughout the phone call was what drives people to do things?
What could possible drive a person to hurt themselves to the point where they could have lost feeling in their arm, or even worse.

I followed up with a phone call today, y'know just to check up. And they couldn't talk 'cause they had someone over thier house, the person that drove them to hurt themselves.

At that point, I am flabbergasted, and just in total disgust with the situation. Do we naturally inherit a gene that makes us gluttonous for pain? Is it in our coding to throw out the excuse of love, and suddenly it is justifed?

I don't know if I'm doing a general rant on love, or just on ignorance, but both of them currently are upsetting me. Why do we strive for something that even when it's going right, it's still not 100% satisfying, and when it goes wrong, you have to lash out on yourself, or anything close by just to feel better?

As I recall, I know you love to show off.
But I'd never thought that you would take it this far.
What do I knowwww.
Flashing. Lights Lights.
What do I knowwww.
Flahing. Lights. Lights. Lights. Lights.
-- kanYe West

Soundtrack to my Life.

I think, it's an amazing when you have someone in your life that transcends any level of friendship that you've ever had.

Like when every fiber of your being wants to be there and help them. I just think it's a grand feeling.

It only happened once to me. Like, today actually.

So, I'm on myspace talking to my friend. And he's going through a lot. And outside of the fact that I started to feel sad, but I just wanted to rectify anything I could. Deal with the brunt of his problems just so he wouldn't have to.

I think connections like these are a necessity to survive. Once you can get to this level of realization just in general, I feel like things become brighter. I'm not only living to do right for myself, but for others that truly depend on me.

I've got some issues that nobody can see
And all of these emotions are pouring out of me
I bring them to the light for you
It's only right
This is the soundtrack to my life, the soundtrack to my life.
-- Scott Mescudi

Where'd You Go .

It's quite funny when you realize that people in your life are slacking.

And then when you alert them of it, it seems as if it doesn't phase them.

Current issue in my life, is trying to recapture back a loss companion. Maybe I make a big deal out of things <--- which is a common theme in my life. But whenever I make a big deal out of something, nine times out of ten, often there is a lot of truth to what I am saying. While analyzing others, I analyze myself. I do realize that I have dependency issues, and when one leaves my life, I have to immediately find someone to fit the empty spot. Usually I don't fret over that person leaving, 'cause I know people are here for reasons, seasons, blah blah blah.

But I just simply cannot lose this person. Just talking to them, I can hear the difference within them and it's astounding how just a few hours can change everything.

Regardless though, no matter how infuriating they currently are, I'll stick by. I lost, or in the processing of losing my brother. They are the only one I could truly connect with on that same level. =/

He said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
-- Mike Shinoda

On My Own Time (Write On!)

I don't know what draws me back here, so often. But I guess whenever I have something that just sits on my chest that gnaws at me until I want to burst -- this is the place.

Something about this week has just been eh-ish.

I think, maybe I had a great saturday, and I put myself way to high.

But, a lot of small things have been building up.

First, is that sickening feeling of losing a friend. I mean, I tend to look waaay too much into things. It's just how I am. But, at the same time, I just see signs of losing a friendship that I depend (depended) on. I feel bad about talking to the person about it, for it's not even like I don't care about them. It's the exact opposite, but something intangible is stopping me every single time.

After that, I could go on and on about the horrors of friend zone and how truly torturing it is, but beating a dead horse is just so tedious. At least I can claim an improvement in the fact that it's not Paranoia.

Then, I don't know if it's just the fact that I compare myself to people too much. I just feel disappointed with that I am doing and everything.

But like Kibby says. "Self-pity is only allowed once a year, unless you're Qaree, then you can't do it at all."

I just need time to walk it off,
but I can’t do it
I’ll write it on my own time
Hey look I made it on my own (on my own)
I know she thinks that I don’t try, but I realize that I can do better
Write, write on
Makin’ a mess as I progress
No time to cry about it, do better
Write, write on
- Gym Class Heroes