The Fear

Fear has affected my life in two major ways.

• Perspective
• Love

Of course, I've already talked about my feelings up paranoia caused by 'paranoia' and I think I'll visit that again.. but I don't think I really ever talked about how my perspective on life tends to go askew when fear grips onto me.

Haaa, it started with trivial things, like when my brother used fascist techniques to coerce me into doing things for him. The fear of his empty threats compelled me to follow whatever asinine activity he had planned out for us, even if it resulted in me getting into trouble. After that, fear struck me in different ways, such as worrying over grades, my obsession with death, but nothing major.

Then the closes I had to a panic attack happened last year. In hindsight, it seems beyond ridiculous, but I was petrified by theories of 2012, Landon-Hadron Collider, and microscopic black holes. I'm prone to paranoia, point blank. My main issue to this day is over analyzing to the point where I think myself into a stupor. Well, I got way to into the whole 2012 theories to the point where I was petrified to go to sleep at night. I quite literally had to stay up until I passed out naturally. Ahaaa, it's comical now, but before that, it was serious to me.

Now, I laugh at it, even make a parody of it with my class shirt: Apopkalytic. <-- genius, right?! I still research those conspiracy theories, but it doesn't affect me nearly as much, if at all. However, those deluded thoughts that I carried for a good amount time just reaffirm how much fear hinders the average person.

Haa, cult of Ra? Seriously?

Even if it truly is something, who's to say I could actually do anything to stop it? Why worry.

All I know is I still pump Beyonce, Gaga and 'Ye on a daily basis..

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear
-- Lily Allen

So I just had this major epiphany! I'm laying down, texting my best friend, when the word fear comes up.

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.

a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.

concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.

reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5.

that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

Lately, I've felt like I've had something to say, something internally that I needed to make sense of, but I just couldn't figure it out. Once he mentioned fear, I felt like the floodgates have been opened, and everything started to make sense.

Fear is the emotion that holds us back the most. It's the basis of every emotion, but most specifically sadness, anger, regret, and apathy.

I've been trying to maintain my Buddhist lifestyle, by first applying the teachings to my everyday life. So far, I've been getting better with keeping my emotions from flaring to the point where everyone knows. Of course, now I'm asking why am I drawn to the Buddhist lifestyle. Previously, people could easily figure out that I'm upset, and I'd feel like a open book, but with being able to calm myself down with some breathing techniques, I can keep on my facade and move on with my life. It's the fear of letting people know that I'm not happy, and a lack of trust with people. People are quick to want to know WHY someone is upset, but they're quite slow with the solution. I rather skip the whole "having faith in people, but then watch them as they let me down."

Ahahaha, which that above is a great example of fear. I think I'm going to end up doing a series on fear, and my attempts at conquering it.

Next Blog Post: The Distortion of Fear .

Out of here
We're out of here
Out of heartache
Along with fear
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear
-- The Doves

Contemplative.

Whyyyyy . Uhh. That's the question of the hour currently. Why. Was I born a masochist? Do I like inflicting pain on myself so muchh? I mean, Freud, a man who I look up to a lot, says

"Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise."

Alarms in my head started to go off awhile ago, and I should've known when my first instinct (God bless my body for trying to protect me) was to NOT tell my best friend. Y'know, the one who would be brutally honest with me when I REALLY need it.

I mean, at that point, I started to feel different internally, but I mean, why worry about that odd feeling in your chest when you could finally obtain what you've been lusting over? To spare a long, drawn out, over dramatic story -- I figured things out fast. I mean, I kept on thinking (after I told my best friend), wasn't replying back because he was so disappointed that I fell back into the same female trap. Of course, he was just working out, but the fact that I knew he would be disappointed, I don't know, just seems odd.

Freud also had another significant quote.

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead."

Which correlates with what I said before about our body wanting to protect us, and trying to make things better. I just wish my body wasn't so protective -- or I wish that I didn't need to protect myself from asinine situations.

Moral of this story? Cellphones were crafted from the devil. Don't do conditional friends with benefits. Sometimes, you just need to know when you need to let go, period. And most importantly? Don't be a glutton for pain. It's unattractive.

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are giving
Questions existing

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are giving
Questions existing
- Wale

Smile.

Don't you hate it when people try your life? It seems like today, more than any day, I had people try deliberately to make me look like a fool.

Exhibit A) In biology, we just got done with reading, and I was jotting down a few thoughts into a journal. My biology teacher came up to me and said "I bet Qaree doesn't know what Darwin's thoughts were." and I felt insulted haaa. Of course, I had to show out, and start talking about natural selection.

Exhibit B) My dad. 'Nuff said really. We got into a argument over me helping him find a cellphone on sprint's website, because apparently it's this huge compliment that has been bestowed on me. Whatever.

When you make a personal vowel not to hate anyone, and to just let it go, it just irritates me that I get into the most asinine conversations that only test my will power.

Other than that -- I'm taking a new approach to life. Instead of being passive, and waiting for things to happen, or complaining when it doesn't go my way, I'm going to start asking, and getting aggressive. I figure, honestly, what's the worse that can happen? A rejection? Been there and done it. Some awkwardness? That's not exactly horrible. So, I have nothing to lose, and that's exactly the type of position I want to be in.

When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
-- Charlie Chaplin

Shoot down the stars .

I still think it's funny how things always play out how you expect it in the back of your head. I'm pretty sure your brain is your best friend, because it's always trying to soften the blow or protect you from the inevitable.

I've been getting into Buddhism lately, because I feel that it just makes a lot of sense. The world is bad due to cravings. Cravings lead to suffering, and this could be corrected by following the eight fold path. Maybe one day I might actually consider converting completely, but until then, I like to follow their ideologies. Buddhist like to preach about giving up hate, in order to achieve Bodhi. They give alternative ways to deal with issues that come up. Like meditation, or just talking through it.

Usually, I like to hold things in, or vent to Michael or something -- but it doesn't work all of the time. Even when I vent to Michael, I still keep it in, and I still hold onto it. Instead, I'm just going to try and let it all go. Ideal right? Likely? Ehh, I'm not entirely sure yet. I just don't have any extra energy for silly, trivial things.

1. Get emotions in check. No reckless texting.
   
2. Let go of things.
3. Train my mind AND body.
4. No random attachments?

My goals for the summer. I guess in two months time you'll know how it fares?

We bring ourselves down
And build ourselves up in disappointment
How fragile we are
So fragile we are, we just don't show it
We'll shake up this town
And shoot down the stars for our enjoyment
So sexy we are
So sexy we are, we just don't know it
-- Gym Class Heroes.

Don't Let Me Fall.

(: Hi. I'm sorry I neglected you like so. I thought after my last post that I would continue cranking out blog post as fast as I usually do (or did?). But quality over quantity, right? I rather people pay attention to my blog post for it's importance, and not just because I post so much, y'know? Oh well.

A lot has been going on (per usual), and I think tonight I finally am learning how to properly deal. It's with the help of amazing people, that I think I'm actually calming down. I hate victims, because I feel that's so weak. Why blame other people for something that happened to you? Sure, you can acknowledge it, but instead of using it as a crutch to get favors, use it as foundation to boost yourself. '

Anyone that has talked to me for more than five minutes, or read my blog knows that I take on too much, don't act my age, etc. So, all that I'm going through is due to me wanting to be more grown, and take on adult issues. I was faltering for awhile, but I think without people, I wouldn't have became functional again. I've always had issue with trust, and opening up to people, and letting them know how important they are to me. But, Robyn, Kibrett, and Michael, have went beyond my expectations. I guess this post is dedicated to them more than anything.

Well it was just a dream
Just a moment ago
I was up so high
Looking down at the sky
Don't let me fall
I was shooting for stars
On a Saturday night
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
-- B.o.B

No , I have not forgotten about you.

My dear friend ; who's been here for me when others haven't. [;

ahahah. But, seriously, it has been a bit of time since I've blogged.

Recently I've gotten my wisdom teeth pulled out (all four). I've had a lot of time to sit down, and reevaluate my life, and such. The same day I got my teeth pulled, I rekindle (in my opinion at least)my friendship with my bestfriend. I thought the natural drift was occurring, and I was done trying to fight it. However, it didn't and when we actually talked for an extended period of time, it was as if he didn't miss a beat.

Just over that time period, I was trying to reconfigure my life, because I felt like I lost sight of who I was necessarily, or what I was doing. I am so used to putting on a facade so people view me as a strong, dependable person. Of course, I was just breaking down slowly internally, but my best friend fixed that. Of course, on the same token, I need to be self-efficient. I shouldn't have to wait to talk to my friend to be able to vent and fix myself.

Other than that, today, what drew me to the blog is my sense of disappointment with people. Not to sound like I'm above other people (though I come off like that, huh?), but I've learned that if you don't know what you're talking about, just stay out of it, y'know? I'm talking about politics. There's a difference between asking a question in order to further your knowledge versus making a ignorant statement. Like, if you don't have a stance on Obama or politics, but all of sudden you're against healthcare reform? Seems to me that you're just jumping on the bandwagon. I hate it when people like to live a transparent life, and takes the color of the more dominant life. Even if Hitler did horrific things, he will be (in)famous for the decisions he makes. So, I guess my priority in life is to make bold choices so I'm not stuck in the middle, because that won't get me anywhere. People will remember me as Qaree, the nice, thoughtful kid. But all of those generic titles are nice and all, but in order to get the most out of my life, I have to do things that might result in bad consequences, but it'd yield a better experience, right?

Haa, I'll chronicle my adventures anyways .