The Fear

Fear has affected my life in two major ways.

• Perspective
• Love

Of course, I've already talked about my feelings up paranoia caused by 'paranoia' and I think I'll visit that again.. but I don't think I really ever talked about how my perspective on life tends to go askew when fear grips onto me.

Haaa, it started with trivial things, like when my brother used fascist techniques to coerce me into doing things for him. The fear of his empty threats compelled me to follow whatever asinine activity he had planned out for us, even if it resulted in me getting into trouble. After that, fear struck me in different ways, such as worrying over grades, my obsession with death, but nothing major.

Then the closes I had to a panic attack happened last year. In hindsight, it seems beyond ridiculous, but I was petrified by theories of 2012, Landon-Hadron Collider, and microscopic black holes. I'm prone to paranoia, point blank. My main issue to this day is over analyzing to the point where I think myself into a stupor. Well, I got way to into the whole 2012 theories to the point where I was petrified to go to sleep at night. I quite literally had to stay up until I passed out naturally. Ahaaa, it's comical now, but before that, it was serious to me.

Now, I laugh at it, even make a parody of it with my class shirt: Apopkalytic. <-- genius, right?! I still research those conspiracy theories, but it doesn't affect me nearly as much, if at all. However, those deluded thoughts that I carried for a good amount time just reaffirm how much fear hinders the average person.

Haa, cult of Ra? Seriously?

Even if it truly is something, who's to say I could actually do anything to stop it? Why worry.

All I know is I still pump Beyonce, Gaga and 'Ye on a daily basis..

I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
And I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
And when do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taking over by The Fear
-- Lily Allen

So I just had this major epiphany! I'm laying down, texting my best friend, when the word fear comes up.

1.

a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.

2.

a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.

3.

concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.

4.

reverential awe, esp. toward god.

5.

that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

Lately, I've felt like I've had something to say, something internally that I needed to make sense of, but I just couldn't figure it out. Once he mentioned fear, I felt like the floodgates have been opened, and everything started to make sense.

Fear is the emotion that holds us back the most. It's the basis of every emotion, but most specifically sadness, anger, regret, and apathy.

I've been trying to maintain my Buddhist lifestyle, by first applying the teachings to my everyday life. So far, I've been getting better with keeping my emotions from flaring to the point where everyone knows. Of course, now I'm asking why am I drawn to the Buddhist lifestyle. Previously, people could easily figure out that I'm upset, and I'd feel like a open book, but with being able to calm myself down with some breathing techniques, I can keep on my facade and move on with my life. It's the fear of letting people know that I'm not happy, and a lack of trust with people. People are quick to want to know WHY someone is upset, but they're quite slow with the solution. I rather skip the whole "having faith in people, but then watch them as they let me down."

Ahahaha, which that above is a great example of fear. I think I'm going to end up doing a series on fear, and my attempts at conquering it.

Next Blog Post: The Distortion of Fear .

Out of here
We're out of here
Out of heartache
Along with fear
There goes the fear again
There goes the fear
-- The Doves

Contemplative.

Whyyyyy . Uhh. That's the question of the hour currently. Why. Was I born a masochist? Do I like inflicting pain on myself so muchh? I mean, Freud, a man who I look up to a lot, says

"Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise."

Alarms in my head started to go off awhile ago, and I should've known when my first instinct (God bless my body for trying to protect me) was to NOT tell my best friend. Y'know, the one who would be brutally honest with me when I REALLY need it.

I mean, at that point, I started to feel different internally, but I mean, why worry about that odd feeling in your chest when you could finally obtain what you've been lusting over? To spare a long, drawn out, over dramatic story -- I figured things out fast. I mean, I kept on thinking (after I told my best friend), wasn't replying back because he was so disappointed that I fell back into the same female trap. Of course, he was just working out, but the fact that I knew he would be disappointed, I don't know, just seems odd.

Freud also had another significant quote.

"Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead."

Which correlates with what I said before about our body wanting to protect us, and trying to make things better. I just wish my body wasn't so protective -- or I wish that I didn't need to protect myself from asinine situations.

Moral of this story? Cellphones were crafted from the devil. Don't do conditional friends with benefits. Sometimes, you just need to know when you need to let go, period. And most importantly? Don't be a glutton for pain. It's unattractive.

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are giving
Questions existing

Who am I living for?
Is this my limit?
Can I endure some more?
Chances are giving
Questions existing
- Wale

Smile.

Don't you hate it when people try your life? It seems like today, more than any day, I had people try deliberately to make me look like a fool.

Exhibit A) In biology, we just got done with reading, and I was jotting down a few thoughts into a journal. My biology teacher came up to me and said "I bet Qaree doesn't know what Darwin's thoughts were." and I felt insulted haaa. Of course, I had to show out, and start talking about natural selection.

Exhibit B) My dad. 'Nuff said really. We got into a argument over me helping him find a cellphone on sprint's website, because apparently it's this huge compliment that has been bestowed on me. Whatever.

When you make a personal vowel not to hate anyone, and to just let it go, it just irritates me that I get into the most asinine conversations that only test my will power.

Other than that -- I'm taking a new approach to life. Instead of being passive, and waiting for things to happen, or complaining when it doesn't go my way, I'm going to start asking, and getting aggressive. I figure, honestly, what's the worse that can happen? A rejection? Been there and done it. Some awkwardness? That's not exactly horrible. So, I have nothing to lose, and that's exactly the type of position I want to be in.

When there are clouds in the sky- You'll get by,
If you
Smile through your fear and sorrow,
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through- For you.
Light up your face with gladness,
Hide ev'ry trace of sadness,
Altho' a tear may be ever so near,
That's the time you must keep on trying,
Smile- What's the use of crying,
You'll find that life is still worthwhile,
If you just smile.
-- Charlie Chaplin

Shoot down the stars .

I still think it's funny how things always play out how you expect it in the back of your head. I'm pretty sure your brain is your best friend, because it's always trying to soften the blow or protect you from the inevitable.

I've been getting into Buddhism lately, because I feel that it just makes a lot of sense. The world is bad due to cravings. Cravings lead to suffering, and this could be corrected by following the eight fold path. Maybe one day I might actually consider converting completely, but until then, I like to follow their ideologies. Buddhist like to preach about giving up hate, in order to achieve Bodhi. They give alternative ways to deal with issues that come up. Like meditation, or just talking through it.

Usually, I like to hold things in, or vent to Michael or something -- but it doesn't work all of the time. Even when I vent to Michael, I still keep it in, and I still hold onto it. Instead, I'm just going to try and let it all go. Ideal right? Likely? Ehh, I'm not entirely sure yet. I just don't have any extra energy for silly, trivial things.

1. Get emotions in check. No reckless texting.
   
2. Let go of things.
3. Train my mind AND body.
4. No random attachments?

My goals for the summer. I guess in two months time you'll know how it fares?

We bring ourselves down
And build ourselves up in disappointment
How fragile we are
So fragile we are, we just don't show it
We'll shake up this town
And shoot down the stars for our enjoyment
So sexy we are
So sexy we are, we just don't know it
-- Gym Class Heroes.