Gravity .

So. I'm not one for beating a dead horse.

But why does it seem like EVERYTHING I've been saying lately, it feels as if something is FORCING me to eat the words.

I just don't understand why I put myself in situations to fail.

But, the fact of the matter is, I need to work on that shit. I'm to old, and to battle-worn to have to worry about that.

So, onto that dead horse.

This morning started off horribly. I wake up, feeling horribly warm, and dehydrated. So I chug like 16 oz or so of water. Then I proceed to run up the steps and shit out everything that I ate yesterday.

So then, I go into my room, start cleaning it like I was suppose to.

Lately, I've been a facebook addict, so I was on it this morning, and I was IMing people, 'cause I was just so horribly bored.

And that's when I saw it. Her. On facebook IM. But.. she hasn't IMed me through AIM, like she usually does, but it didn't linger on my mind for long.

So I IM her through facebook IM, but not saying anything really. She was acting slightly different, but I didn't call her out on it.

So I'm talking to my brother on the phone, and then he ends up sending her a photo of me. Which for some reason just set me off, and started to make me really angry.

So I made small talk with her, kept it casual, and it was all good.

Then she logged off facebook, but was still talking to my brother.

SIDEBAR: The brother I'm referencing to isn't blood, so it's not as bad as it seems =P

Anyways, it dawned on me that obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. I got that from her facebook IMs, and it's just a point if she's still talking to him, but didn't IM me, obviously she didn't want to talk to me. Just stuff that my synapse connected.

My brother said, "You're never going to get over her."

But the truth is I have. Or I think I have? But it's not even a fact that she's talking to another person. That's quite irrelevant. It's just the simple fact that friday, everything seems quite chill when we're on the phone, and yet sunday you're avoiding talking to me..?

I understand yesterday's reality isn't today's reality, but all I ask for is consistency.

Ahaha, but, going back to a little kid for a second, thought perhaps, y'know, something is wrong with my AIM. And so, I asked people to make sure that I'm on AIM mobile. Which I am. And it goes through too.

So, at that point, and currently at this point, I'm incredibly cross, and just feel so blah. And, to quote someone, I'm writing out my feelings and it just makes me more mad.

But, I know I'm not going to say good riddance or I'm through with you. 'Cause I don't think I am. Part of me is. And I think the more and more things happen to me, that "Good riddance" side grows bigger and starts taking dominance.

Either way, I know I don't deserve this "love" nor do I deserve to have this feeling. To quote Kanye West, there is two keys to happiness;; changing the things that make you upset, or tolerating the things that you don't like. I've tried both, and failed miserably.

So what to do now?

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
- Sara Barerilles

A Beautiful Mess.

Ahahahaha. So I'm standing here.. making myself look like an asshole, attempting, to, y'know, look out for someone, like I promise them.

And.. I'm TRYING to tell someone one thing. And trying to get it through to them. Ehr. Actually, those events occurred yesterday. Today, I get a message from the person who I was trying to convince otherwise, and it says (SIDEBAR ;; this message was sent to him from the female I was 'talking for' last night. While I was talking to her I presume)

"I highly believe one day we're going
to date. Just.. not right now.
Just be my friend right now, that's what
I need"

Ahahahaa. So I saw that message. And start to laugh. Y'know, not the laugh where things are humorous. The laugh where not only I make myself look like an idiot, going out for the limb for someone, but of an odd sense of nostaligia.

First and foremost, I told her the same thing I told someone before, 'cause they told me that they didn't like a person before hand. I told them both to nip it in the budd before they follow around forever, y'know, so they will hate them for a bit, and get over it.

Well, as it turns out, in both situations, I was dead wrong. And just left feeling so.. STUPID. And, I hate feeling stupid, and especially in a situation like this. And so, I'm going to start washing my hands off with people. 'Cause it's becoming quite rediclous at this point.

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
-- Jason Mraz

Choking.

Hmm .

And so -- an interesting point in my life just occurred.

I'm on the phone. I mention a specific item that one person would want back from me. And she says, in a quite indifferent tone -- " I don't want it back ".

Hot diggity damn.

So, that caught me off guard. I stumbled for a bit to find my place. Like.. other then the fact that it's totally unexpected. Uhm.

THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH.

^^^ that was a slight outburst.

Basically, I've been looking for signs as to if she cares, or any indication as to whether I am wasting my time even trying to voice my feelings onto her.

And she proves.. once again, that I am wasting not only time, but strength, and in the end, wasting my heart on someone who throws it away oh so casually.

I don't know why I fall so easily into these stupid little traps. I don't know why I even let myself get the slightest inclination that she may have feelings for me.

It'll only let me down.

Ehr. I believe. This is going on.. the fourth or fifth time.

Aren't I a smart one?

SIDEBAR: This blog post was initially suppose to be dedicated to my amazing weekend that I just had, spending time with my family and such, however, this matter has dominated my entire being.

Stifled.

I don't know why, but lately, creative-wise, I've been quite stagnant.

I can't seem to crank out a blog post, nor make a blog layout that I wanted, or a banner! I have the pictures, yet they don't seem to go together.. or just anything.

But school is ticking down. So, I gotta get on the ball to enjoy my final moments.

• Create my blog layout
• Finish extra credd. language arts assignment.
  
• Continue the workout
  
• Furnishing my locker with my new locker buddddy Robyn [;
• Hang with Catrina.
  

Sounds like quite a list, huh?

Everything I am.

So, at 12:00 am I received a text message from Kibby, regarding my posture.

Me: I neeeeduh work on my posture muchooo.

Kibby: You do, humpback.

Me: Lmfao that's the most hurtful thing you've ever said.

Annnnnnnnnnd, she hasn't replied back =P

But as I've been working on my posture ever since I've been volunteering at the hospital, so for a good week, I've been working on it, and I think it's getting better.

[Though my back hurts like a muduhfuhkuh]

And so, as I'm making sure my back is aligned and such, and walking around my room keeping my posture [I'm sounding awfully lame here, but bare with me]

I started analyzing myself.

How I walk, act, carry myself, and everything.

And I must say, one of my biggest influences was my brother [ of course not blood, but still close as if we were] Michael .



Fact of the matter was, swagger was a foreign word to me, until he uhh, for a lack of a better word, waltz'd into my life.

Ahaha, I'm not trying to say that he 'cause this big revolution in my life, and ever since then, I've been amazing (not to sound cocky) ahahah.

But on a real note, the thing that he gave to me which I value the most is drive. The drive to better myself in every aspect of my life. And, helped me realized I am capable of doing things on a grand scale.

Since him and I became buddies, I did get the girl I trailed after for over a year. Made numerous improvements on the body. And well, actually just changed my whole modus operandi. And for that, I thank him over and over and over again for.

Damn, here we go again.
everybody sayin' what's not for him
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
damn, here we go again.
people talk shit, but when shit hits the fan
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
-- kanYe West