"The way she haunts me, leaves me tormented at night.
I once was a boy, who dreamed beautiful yet unusually.
So when she slithered her way into my head, I only thought it was fitting.
But she inverted my world. Turned my life -- filled with such a vibrant light into a darkness so opaque, you'd doubt light ever existed.
She shifted my only source of support and made me feel paranoid to the extent of self-destruction.
But when I do wake up, seeing life now as a weathered man, I know never again to shut my eyes and let empty words lull me into a frightful sleep."
Written today. "See You In My Nightmares" inspired by kanYe.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Bad News .
I swear to God, sometimes life is so fucking UGHable.
So basically, I just don't know what I expect out of life, or maybe I do, but I don't wanna actually think about it..?
But lately I've been so disappointed with myself, with everything.
And today is just.. the top of it all.
I'm tired of people who don't know what they want.
Tired of people who drag me into several million different directions.
People that don't even consider my feelings.
People that just suck in general.
Leaving me wishing things that I feel like I shouldn't.
But once again, me being ever so mature, the feelings of extreme disgust and repulsion are gone, and now I'm only mad at myself that I allowed myself to even FALL INTO that deluded state of mind.
However. I'm done waiting. I'm done following 'pipe dreams'. Done just giving my all and expecting to get it returned.
To quote kanYe West;; " the requirement is inspirement ... and I am hiring. But also firing."
so be expecting some layoffs. =]
So basically, I just don't know what I expect out of life, or maybe I do, but I don't wanna actually think about it..?
But lately I've been so disappointed with myself, with everything.
And today is just.. the top of it all.
I'm tired of people who don't know what they want.
Tired of people who drag me into several million different directions.
People that don't even consider my feelings.
People that just suck in general.
Leaving me wishing things that I feel like I shouldn't.
But once again, me being ever so mature, the feelings of extreme disgust and repulsion are gone, and now I'm only mad at myself that I allowed myself to even FALL INTO that deluded state of mind.
However. I'm done waiting. I'm done following 'pipe dreams'. Done just giving my all and expecting to get it returned.
To quote kanYe West;; " the requirement is inspirement ... and I am hiring. But also firing."
so be expecting some layoffs. =]
Didn't you know
I was waiting on you
Waiting on a dream
That'll never come true
Didn't you know
I was waiting on you
My face turned to stone
When I heard the news
- kanYe West
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Good Night .
The thing that I find the hardest to grasp, is when someone, who has a semi-decent relationship, and yet it seems as if they're almost ready to throw it away.
Perhaps it's because I haven't been in a relationship that I could say I was proud of, or was even at a semi-decent level, but when I'm standing on the outside looking at a relationship that I could've thought was great, and yet it seems like both are throwing in the towel, I can't HELP but to feel like they're making a huge mistake. That they should work it out. But at the first sign of a speed bump they wanna jump out of the car?
I guess this is when perspective comes into play.
Because to them, that speed bump may not at all be perceived as a speed bump, but more like the precipice of an extremely daunting mountain, and they're not so sure as to if they'll survive or if they'll come out on top, showing off their scars to everyone, for they'll show how much they with stood.
See! I just trapped myself into an internal corner. Maybe -- its safe to say, when you're outside of the looking glass, everything always seem to so shiny, so perfect, almost as if its incapable of being tarnished in any way. And yet, when you're in that glass, slowly, that person you once was feeling madly in love with -- soon becomes distorted, and slowly you'll realize you don't even know them anymore.
Perhaps it's because I haven't been in a relationship that I could say I was proud of, or was even at a semi-decent level, but when I'm standing on the outside looking at a relationship that I could've thought was great, and yet it seems like both are throwing in the towel, I can't HELP but to feel like they're making a huge mistake. That they should work it out. But at the first sign of a speed bump they wanna jump out of the car?
I guess this is when perspective comes into play.
Because to them, that speed bump may not at all be perceived as a speed bump, but more like the precipice of an extremely daunting mountain, and they're not so sure as to if they'll survive or if they'll come out on top, showing off their scars to everyone, for they'll show how much they with stood.
See! I just trapped myself into an internal corner. Maybe -- its safe to say, when you're outside of the looking glass, everything always seem to so shiny, so perfect, almost as if its incapable of being tarnished in any way. And yet, when you're in that glass, slowly, that person you once was feeling madly in love with -- soon becomes distorted, and slowly you'll realize you don't even know them anymore.
I'm not sure anymore-more
Who is knocking at my door-door
All the faces that I know
Ya make them so sunny and true
I don't wanna say goodbye to you
So I'll just say good night to you
My people, no goodbyes to you
I'm just gonna say good night
-kanYe West
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
P A R A N 1 0 D .
The moments in life that I hate initially, yet as time goes on, I come to appreciate are the awareness moments.
Moments where you've been so caught up in your own life and own mind that everything seems as if its opaque.. and yet somehow that single ray of light breaks through it and shows you how flawed you are.
And that's exactly how i've been feeling as of late.
I've been starting to realize more and more things that I do that are flawed, but the most notable.. is paranoia.
And sadly, once again, its allllllll tied into one single female, and then spreads to multiple people, and now its simply a way of life.
SIDEBAR: blaming her for my way of life isn't how the rest of my blogs are going to play out nor is how I'm meaning it. She has just made such a huge impact that, whether its good or bad, I fear its very much apart of my identity for now.
Now since I'ma freak, I rhymed zoned the definition of paranoia:
Definitions of paranoia:
And thats exactly how it feels.
I'd even go as far as to say its internal torment. And small things trigger it. Sending text messages and no reply back. Delays in phone calls. I've become a slave to my phone, and I can't help BUT to check it constantly, and whenever that person doesn't call/text back soon enough, I must constantly check and check and check to make sure it sent, make sure I didn't sound rude, etc. etc. etc.
It gets to the point where I'm thinking they're ignoring me, or just don't wanna talk to me.
But I'm glad to say, the more and more I become independent, the more the feelings of paranoia cease.
I still get anxious at times whenever I text somebody something important and no reply, but its not nearly as bad as it was before. And I'm glad to say I'm no longer revolving myself around her.
Moments where you've been so caught up in your own life and own mind that everything seems as if its opaque.. and yet somehow that single ray of light breaks through it and shows you how flawed you are.
And that's exactly how i've been feeling as of late.
I've been starting to realize more and more things that I do that are flawed, but the most notable.. is paranoia.
And sadly, once again, its allllllll tied into one single female, and then spreads to multiple people, and now its simply a way of life.
SIDEBAR: blaming her for my way of life isn't how the rest of my blogs are going to play out nor is how I'm meaning it. She has just made such a huge impact that, whether its good or bad, I fear its very much apart of my identity for now.
Now since I'ma freak, I rhymed zoned the definition of paranoia:
- noun: a psychological disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur
And thats exactly how it feels.
I'd even go as far as to say its internal torment. And small things trigger it. Sending text messages and no reply back. Delays in phone calls. I've become a slave to my phone, and I can't help BUT to check it constantly, and whenever that person doesn't call/text back soon enough, I must constantly check and check and check to make sure it sent, make sure I didn't sound rude, etc. etc. etc.
It gets to the point where I'm thinking they're ignoring me, or just don't wanna talk to me.
But I'm glad to say, the more and more I become independent, the more the feelings of paranoia cease.
I still get anxious at times whenever I text somebody something important and no reply, but its not nearly as bad as it was before. And I'm glad to say I'm no longer revolving myself around her.
"Why are you so paranoid
Don't be so paranoid
Don't be so....
Baby don't worry about it
Lady don't even think about it
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things"
- kanYe West
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Bittersweet Poetry.
"I love you.Train Stations and Therapeutic Smiles -- written by me earlier this year. Pretty g'narly, right? =P
Yet I cannot bring myself to be in love with you.
Once loving you so deeply.
And now being so distant.
I feel like it's a journey my heart cannot take anymore.
But I still stand there, waiting for you, at the train station.
Hoping you'll make the journey back.
And all will be perfect, just like it was.
But standing in that lonely train station reality sets in.
Things were never perfect.
You were never there.
So I pack my bags, and board the train.
In hopes my heart will find a stranger.
With a therapeutic smile, and longing of love eyes.
And we'll sit, chat, and reminisce.
And just maybe, I'll forget about you, and your perverse image.
But I doubt I will."
But, as I ask my friend to create a photo-edit of his feelings of the school year that just passed, and I haven't even completely digested the school year, and me being the hypocrite, asked someone to do something I haven't even done yet, so I figured why not now.
To start off, to say I changed this year is quite of an understatement.
I've managed to keep lowkey drama-wise, which is a feat and a half, and kept my head on somewhat straight and focused on schooool.
Though the latter fell through as the school year trudged on, I could honestly say I had no emotional issues going on.
Enter: Faria.
Ahahahaha, I feel so lame for saying that. But on a serious note, I couldn't say shes the reason for all of my emotional discontent. More then anything, I've realized how disappointed I am with myself. But i'd be lying if I didn't say a small part of me didn't resent her for how she made me felt. A lot of the change that happened was due to her and the feelings I felt.
But throughout it all, I've realized how much I dislike myself, so the change that she caused was great.
Though -- if someone were to ask for me to go through it again, I'd proclaim HELL NO.
=D
UPDATE: My brother, Michael finished his edit.
Hah. One hell of a year for the both of us, huh?
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Bring Me Down // Champion .
With things going on alllll around, I dunno if I have just a low tolerance level or what butttttt, certain things are wearing thin on me.
To losing friends who've you been close to.. and getting pretty much replaced.
To little comments that make you annoyed and.. I dunno just frustrated all together.
It would be quite easy for me just to let 'em bring me down, y'know? But at the same time, they make me try harder. Having a huge ego, and being very territorial, I HATE it, with a passion I might I add, when I feel like I'm losing, or people are slipping away. 'specially the people who are rather close to me. But, with those feelings, it really changes my perspective. Or.. how I operate to be more exact -- it makes me realize that I need to adept, and I need to evolve.
Moral of the post? It's easy just to say "This person/event/thing/whatever is hazardous to my health, and is bringing me down in every aspect of my life".
But you can't think like that. You gotta think like a champion, and adept like a champion.
sidenote: I already have three gold medals [;
To losing friends who've you been close to.. and getting pretty much replaced.
To little comments that make you annoyed and.. I dunno just frustrated all together.
It would be quite easy for me just to let 'em bring me down, y'know? But at the same time, they make me try harder. Having a huge ego, and being very territorial, I HATE it, with a passion I might I add, when I feel like I'm losing, or people are slipping away. 'specially the people who are rather close to me. But, with those feelings, it really changes my perspective. Or.. how I operate to be more exact -- it makes me realize that I need to adept, and I need to evolve.
Moral of the post? It's easy just to say "This person/event/thing/whatever is hazardous to my health, and is bringing me down in every aspect of my life".
But you can't think like that. You gotta think like a champion, and adept like a champion.
sidenote: I already have three gold medals [;
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I'll fly away .
Wow, so, today two big revelations.
Not even going to get into them.
Not ever going to try to FATHOM how life would be if one of the two actually happens (one of 'em will)
I just want to leave. Run. Quite Literally, break every ties from my life, and just run.
'cause I hate it when you get to the point where you don't want anyone to tell you any thing no more, 'cause you simply cannot handle it.
Its all apart of growing up I guess, but for something I covet SO badly, now I desperately want it to be simpler.
I'ma wrap this post up because I feel like I'm whining at this point.
Not even going to get into them.
Not ever going to try to FATHOM how life would be if one of the two actually happens (one of 'em will)
I just want to leave. Run. Quite Literally, break every ties from my life, and just run.
'cause I hate it when you get to the point where you don't want anyone to tell you any thing no more, 'cause you simply cannot handle it.
Its all apart of growing up I guess, but for something I covet SO badly, now I desperately want it to be simpler.
I'ma wrap this post up because I feel like I'm whining at this point.
Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away.
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away. - kanYe West
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Amazing .
So, as I sit in my chair, listenin' to Amazing by Kanye West, the person who pops up?
Like seriously, not event trying to ride her imaginary dick, but this chick means a lot to me, and has been my most consistent friend that I have met just at the start of the school year.
Like seriously, not event trying to ride her imaginary dick, but this chick means a lot to me, and has been my most consistent friend that I have met just at the start of the school year.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Family Business .
I was grubbbin' on some ice cream [chocolate] and, my grandma took me into her room to show me a poem I wrote in the fourth grade. Other then the fact that I wanted to be a lawyer [LAWL] I clearly wrote "I worry about my grandma". Thats of course not the first paper I wrote of my grandma, voicing my concern for her, and love. Then.. she showed me a picture .
Shes the one on the left.. and that picture was taken when she was in her fourties.
But I was in utter awe of how beautiful she was back then and still now. Which, I dunno, made me have a renewed look at my family.
From her, spawned my beautiful mother .
I could go on for days on the love I feel for herrr. Shes the most stable female I know, and knows how to keep everything going, throughout it all.
Of course, I have a father . As well as a brother and sister who I love dear -- and a little niece that drives me to the precipice of insanity on a daily basis.
But then theres me .
ahaha , was I trying to hard?
I'm thinking thats a bit better! [;
But, my family business - is so complicated all of the time, and not to rehash a phrase from my previous blog, but the dynamics of it is quite mind boggling.
Yet.. I couldn't even explain it. Seeing the picture of my grandma waaay back then, it makes all of the complications worth it.
Hmmmm . Does that make sense? ahahaha.
Shes the one on the left.. and that picture was taken when she was in her fourties.
But I was in utter awe of how beautiful she was back then and still now. Which, I dunno, made me have a renewed look at my family.
From her, spawned my beautiful mother .
I could go on for days on the love I feel for herrr. Shes the most stable female I know, and knows how to keep everything going, throughout it all.
Of course, I have a father . As well as a brother and sister who I love dear -- and a little niece that drives me to the precipice of insanity on a daily basis.
But then theres me .
ahaha , was I trying to hard?
I'm thinking thats a bit better! [;
But, my family business - is so complicated all of the time, and not to rehash a phrase from my previous blog, but the dynamics of it is quite mind boggling.
Yet.. I couldn't even explain it. Seeing the picture of my grandma waaay back then, it makes all of the complications worth it.
Hmmmm . Does that make sense? ahahaha.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Last night .
Last I night I think I dreamt of you
Because I woke up smiling.
For just the slightest thought of your radiance brings a smile to my face.
With an understated grace and flawless features, one could imagine why the smile would come.
But your most alluring feature, is simply your soul, for I have yet to meet one as kindred as you.
Since our paths lead us in separate ways, each night I rush off to sleep just to see you.
Soaring above the rest of the people who remain chained to the ground.
For just the sight of you brings back that smile.
I'll be late for thattttttt .
Being late sucks, and it affects every aspect of your life, whether in a relationship or in a professional way.
Today, I was went to get my TB test, and the lady asked for this paper I was suppose to have since I went to the orientation, but I didn't have it.
Why?
My abso-bloody-lute-ly amazing father decided to take a shortcut and merge onto the directions that mapquest recommended, and we got lost. THEN, of course, him being ever so intelligent, decided to go a DIFFERNT way then he knew, and made me thirty minutes late to a HOUR orientation. I got my orientation packet that I had to look over by myself, but I didn't get the vacination paper I was suppose to have.
And so, back to the story, the lady, thank God, found a spare paper, and I was able to get the shots [which really didn't hurt] and left.
But I was MOST DEFINETLY pissed off. For if she didn't find a spare, I wouldn't have been able to get my shot, reschedule an appointment for the shot, which by itself takes at least a week to make sure it takes, and then another two days to make sure that one takes.
While that was going on, I also started to think about how being late fucked up my life.
Countlesssss females have came into my life and I've lost them, due to the fact of me being late.
The one I'll never forget? In 8th grade, this girl that I carried a very vibrant torch, actually liked me -- which I would've killed to know of, and would've most DEFF. acted on. But, instead she goes out with one of my best friends, but while we were talking one day, she was just saying "Y'know, I used to like you. But Austin was about to ask me out, so I just said yes to him."
Ahaha, I jumped up and screamed and victory danced. Then it hit me of the PAST TENSED of liked, && that she was going out with my best buddy.
Being late foils me once again -_-
But thats just a common thing. Girls ALWAYS tend to like me when they first meet me. Then, when I FINALLY realize it, I've been entered in - dun dun dunnnnnn - friend zone.
Yikes.
Won't even get started on how much friend zone sucks, but one of the biggest cons of friend zones is that all it does is remind you of how late you were in the first place.
But the only thing I can rationalize from that situation -- you can stop complain', 'cause once I'm there, the game is a wrap. [;
Today, I was went to get my TB test, and the lady asked for this paper I was suppose to have since I went to the orientation, but I didn't have it.
Why?
My abso-bloody-lute-ly amazing father decided to take a shortcut and merge onto the directions that mapquest recommended, and we got lost. THEN, of course, him being ever so intelligent, decided to go a DIFFERNT way then he knew, and made me thirty minutes late to a HOUR orientation. I got my orientation packet that I had to look over by myself, but I didn't get the vacination paper I was suppose to have.
And so, back to the story, the lady, thank God, found a spare paper, and I was able to get the shots [which really didn't hurt] and left.
But I was MOST DEFINETLY pissed off. For if she didn't find a spare, I wouldn't have been able to get my shot, reschedule an appointment for the shot, which by itself takes at least a week to make sure it takes, and then another two days to make sure that one takes.
While that was going on, I also started to think about how being late fucked up my life.
Countlesssss females have came into my life and I've lost them, due to the fact of me being late.
The one I'll never forget? In 8th grade, this girl that I carried a very vibrant torch, actually liked me -- which I would've killed to know of, and would've most DEFF. acted on. But, instead she goes out with one of my best friends, but while we were talking one day, she was just saying "Y'know, I used to like you. But Austin was about to ask me out, so I just said yes to him."
Ahaha, I jumped up and screamed and victory danced. Then it hit me of the PAST TENSED of liked, && that she was going out with my best buddy.
Being late foils me once again -_-
But thats just a common thing. Girls ALWAYS tend to like me when they first meet me. Then, when I FINALLY realize it, I've been entered in - dun dun dunnnnnn - friend zone.
Yikes.
Won't even get started on how much friend zone sucks, but one of the biggest cons of friend zones is that all it does is remind you of how late you were in the first place.
But the only thing I can rationalize from that situation -- you can stop complain', 'cause once I'm there, the game is a wrap. [;
When it all falls down .
Today started off rather greatly .
I was faced with three different relationships, each with different situations, and affect.
My friend -who shall remain nameless for their sake- texting me about their boyfriend breaking up, and then as result, I called her, and learned of the whole story.
---- While I was talking to her, phone call from one of my many loves [;
She was on myspace, and was bored, so she decided to look through her old myspace mails, and I called it perfectly, found messages from her old boyfriends. So, her talking to her boyfriend, told her about it, and he (who has her myspace passwords) went through the mail [although she said she would fwd it to him] and then went on a tangent about how he hates the old her, and how stupid she was.
How flawed was that? Oh, wait, to add to it --those messages were from TWO YEARS AGO. Yeah. Hes over-protective as fuck, and shes into him a lot.. and I dunno. I just hope for the best for her.
And, once again, ironically enough, I get text message from my other friend.
She texted me asking me about how my bestfriend (they're going out) hooked up with my most recent ex (who I could HONESTLY say I had deeeeeep ass feelings for -- and it wasn't the same way obviously) and I was kinda like wtf? Some feelings are still raw, even though my bestfriend is like a brother to me, and the whole dynamic of my ex and I were just... mind - bottling. So, I was talking to my bestfriends girlfriend and I can obviously tell she gets annoyed when he talks about the girls he pulls on a regular basis. But that one pretttty much fixed itself.
But after I dealt with all of those situations, I was left pondering -- why does it seem like every relationship around me has some type of major crack in its foundation, whether they've been together for 2 weeks, 3 months, 8 months, or 25 years. More important then that, no matter how hard you try -- those cracks will never be fixed. At most, they may be built over with a stronger foundation. But eventually those cracks spread, and one way or another -- it all falls down.
I was faced with three different relationships, each with different situations, and affect.
My friend -who shall remain nameless for their sake- texting me about their boyfriend breaking up, and then as result, I called her, and learned of the whole story.
- Ever since she went on a vacation to Missouri, her and her boyfriend have been aruging over trivial shiizzz.
- Both felt like each other gave up.
- Tonight they got into a fight and he broke up with her... for the sixth time.
- And, of course, led her up and down by saying, "I still love you." to "We'll be getting back together soon." to "I think we're better off as friends" and y'know what? Gave her the ever so beautiful line "You don't deserve me, you're way better then me."
---- While I was talking to her, phone call from one of my many loves [;
She was on myspace, and was bored, so she decided to look through her old myspace mails, and I called it perfectly, found messages from her old boyfriends. So, her talking to her boyfriend, told her about it, and he (who has her myspace passwords) went through the mail [although she said she would fwd it to him] and then went on a tangent about how he hates the old her, and how stupid she was.
How flawed was that? Oh, wait, to add to it --those messages were from TWO YEARS AGO. Yeah. Hes over-protective as fuck, and shes into him a lot.. and I dunno. I just hope for the best for her.
And, once again, ironically enough, I get text message from my other friend.
She texted me asking me about how my bestfriend (they're going out) hooked up with my most recent ex (who I could HONESTLY say I had deeeeeep ass feelings for -- and it wasn't the same way obviously) and I was kinda like wtf? Some feelings are still raw, even though my bestfriend is like a brother to me, and the whole dynamic of my ex and I were just... mind - bottling. So, I was talking to my bestfriends girlfriend and I can obviously tell she gets annoyed when he talks about the girls he pulls on a regular basis. But that one pretttty much fixed itself.
But after I dealt with all of those situations, I was left pondering -- why does it seem like every relationship around me has some type of major crack in its foundation, whether they've been together for 2 weeks, 3 months, 8 months, or 25 years. More important then that, no matter how hard you try -- those cracks will never be fixed. At most, they may be built over with a stronger foundation. But eventually those cracks spread, and one way or another -- it all falls down.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Friday, July 3, 2009
Friendly's .
Sitting at friendly's with the fam, and I must say, its great to be here. After dealing with difficulties everywhere its nice to go on a little vacate and reflect on myself. Watching my niece talk and just act makes me a bit.. Nostaglic? Ahahaha don't I sound so old.
Whoaaaa!bby ;; first post!?
Ahaha, after some 'technical difficulties' I'm posting! yaaaay!
But before anything -- I must make a shout out, and dedicate this blog post to Kibbret Abagail "Kibby" Facey - 'cause well, to be quite frank, she is kinda sorta the ish. She has had a major impact on me, and love her to death for it!
ahaha, anywayyys, i'm pretty much sitting here in this hotel, just chillllin'. Y'know, like a change of pace? Sucks that I gotta go back tomorrow, but ehh, I enjoyed it while I did. When I get back -- gotta get back to business! Hospital shots are a must. Start my summer extra creddd, and uhh, flirt. ** workout too. Ahaha, whattta list!
Currently listening to Supernova by Mr. Hudson featuring kanYe West. Extremely underrated song!
Uhh. I feel so... sluggish. Had Tony Roma's earlier too. Muy Rico! ahahah. Wow. Kinda lame there huh? Welllll, i'ma wrap this one up for now. But more posts later!
But before anything -- I must make a shout out, and dedicate this blog post to Kibbret Abagail "Kibby" Facey - 'cause well, to be quite frank, she is kinda sorta the ish. She has had a major impact on me, and love her to death for it!
ahaha, anywayyys, i'm pretty much sitting here in this hotel, just chillllin'. Y'know, like a change of pace? Sucks that I gotta go back tomorrow, but ehh, I enjoyed it while I did. When I get back -- gotta get back to business! Hospital shots are a must. Start my summer extra creddd, and uhh, flirt. ** workout too. Ahaha, whattta list!
Currently listening to Supernova by Mr. Hudson featuring kanYe West. Extremely underrated song!
Uhh. I feel so... sluggish. Had Tony Roma's earlier too. Muy Rico! ahahah. Wow. Kinda lame there huh? Welllll, i'ma wrap this one up for now. But more posts later!
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