P A R A N 1 0 D .

The moments in life that I hate initially, yet as time goes on, I come to appreciate are the awareness moments.

Moments where you've been so caught up in your own life and own mind that everything seems as if its opaque.. and yet somehow that single ray of light breaks through it and shows you how flawed you are.

And that's exactly how i've been feeling as of late.

I've been starting to realize more and more things that I do that are flawed, but the most notable.. is paranoia.

And sadly, once again, its allllllll tied into one single female, and then spreads to multiple people, and now its simply a way of life.

SIDEBAR: blaming her for my way of life isn't how the rest of my blogs are going to play out nor is how I'm meaning it. She has just made such a huge impact that, whether its good or bad, I fear its very much apart of my identity for now.

Now since I'ma freak, I rhymed zoned the definition of paranoia:

Definitions of paranoia:

• noun: a psychological disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or grandeur

Ahaha, but by reading it, it sounds oh so much more complicated. Now, I know I've definitely have not been feeling the sense of grandeur, so that only leaves persecution.

And thats exactly how it feels.

I'd even go as far as to say its internal torment. And small things trigger it. Sending text messages and no reply back. Delays in phone calls. I've become a slave to my phone, and I can't help BUT to check it constantly, and whenever that person doesn't call/text back soon enough, I must constantly check and check and check to make sure it sent, make sure I didn't sound rude, etc. etc. etc.

It gets to the point where I'm thinking they're ignoring me, or just don't wanna talk to me.

But I'm glad to say, the more and more I become independent, the more the feelings of paranoia cease.

I still get anxious at times whenever I text somebody something important and no reply, but its not nearly as bad as it was before. And I'm glad to say I'm no longer revolving myself around her.

"Why are you so paranoid
Don't be so paranoid
Don't be so....
Baby don't worry about it
Lady don't even think about it
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things
You worry bout the wrong things, the wrong things"
- kanYe West