Superlatives.

'09 is almost over, and I frankly couldn't be any happier. It was not a bad year, by any means, but I'm ready to move on.

Throughout the baad, and the good, I gained a group of friends that made life that much easier to bare.

First and foremost, I must start with K. Facey.


To even talk about how far we came, is quite ridiculous. To me, she was that loud mouthed chick who had an odd fetish with Panda, and if I recall correctly, she thought I was that awkward kid who had a crush on her (she had a healthy ego back then ;D)

Somewhere along the way, we exchanged cellular numbers, and started to bond, and the true Kibby emerged. Up until that moment in time, I have never met someone without so many layers. What made her even more unique was that each layer I peeled away, her true colors shined even more.

Something about her infectious personality immediately influenced my life. I wouldn't be tweeting nor blogging if it wasn't for her. She introduced me to Lady Gaga -- which if anyone ever held a conversation with me about music, would know I am a vehement fan of the Gaga.

Even while writing this post, I can feel all of what she has done to help forge who I currently am.

Ms. Facey's influence was also supplemented with R. Mowatt.



One of the most lovable and kindred souls I met, we started talking to each other in Chemistry class (she was always making flawed facial expressions (:) and some how, everything just fell into place. Somewhat of a whirlwind friendship, we immediately immersed ourselves into each others life, almost as if we grew up with each other. She was there for me during a peculiar time, regarding a certain female, and I was there for her through whatever trials and tribulations that occurred.

Honorable Mentions:

S. Smith: Has an amazing style that pushed me to explore different things.


K. Ortiz: Humble and poetic., but our adventures just begun.


M. Reyes: Blood doesn't have to exist to be a true brother; but since we've known each other since 3rd grade, he's ineligible.

So, I finally did it.

I believe this time will be the last time for awhile. I just had to end things with her, because this whole dance that we do is not healthy, at all. Of course even as tears stream down my face, and my head throbs from pain, I still rather remain in my comfort zone, but I just had to break up with her.

Haa, but using the term "break up" doesn't even apply to what we were, right? Still, to this date, that was the hardest thirty minutes I had to go through. Within the first few minutes of the conversation, I just straight up told her. Of course, I couldn't help myself, and the tears came quickly, and my voice started going really high and sounding awfully whiny.

I think when she heard my voice, it shocked her.

After discussing with her why, and the awkward silence that followed (though it was filled with sniffles and random sobs), we talked for a bit, but the affects of what I said already occurred. There was so many things that I wanted to say, but I was just choked up.

She asked me if she could text me, but I had to follow all the way through. At the last moment, before she had to go, she said "I'll miss you." Which is still tear inducing, even writing about it now. She stumbled with her words as she was saying good bye, and then hung up.

After she hung up, I broke down and cried, as if some part of me was holding back, just for her sake. Then of course I started to blog, but nothing seems to cure it. She still remains the closest to love. Maybe she won't understand all of my reasons, or how I still look out for her, and still love her. But, its time for me to move on, and look at other horizons. "/

"So much work was for nothing, and I felt bad taking it all so easily within days"

You Found Me // Poison

I need to stop thinking.

My friend said that I think too much, and that I shouldn't think much today. I wish I could've followed his wise words, because all of the thinking that I've done just caused me to be ill.

I have been listening to The Fray lately, and You Found Me finally made sense to me (after what, months?)

The story in the lyrics is quite simple, a man is simply asking God where has he been throughout life.

Of course many people have lamented the same question, but I even more so just wish for ten minutes with God. I'm not saying that I'm so significant that I deserve time with him, just to figure out why my life is the way it is, but I just need for him to answer whether or not thing occur for a reason.

If things happen for a reason, then I think life would be somewhat easier to deal with. I mean, knowing that this temporary, self-sabotaging stage in my life won't last forever makes things a lot easier. But, if nothing truly happens for a reason, and life is just nothing but chaos, I don't think I really could deal. As humans, whenever something happens to us that we can't exactly comprehend, we have to find someway to justify whats going on around me, and as of current, I'm not seeing any justification.

Of course, this segways into the only thing in my life that would force me to this point. Her.

It's pretty much canon at this point, that we're in a relationship, just not physical. Ehr. Ehr. Ehr. This is where the crux of the issue lies. I simply cannot start a relationship with anyone else unless I rid myself from her. It's easier to say what I need to do versus actually doing it. I figure if I vocalize it, then maybe it'll happen. I realize that I'm at a constant ebb and flow, with her being the moon that dictates my movement. I just need to actually cement the fact that she doesn't care how I want her too, and just leave her behind.

Hi there.
Do you hear me?
I once jumped for your attention.
I used to dream of taking your hand.

Bye now.
Do you see me walking away?
Gravity keeps me from grasping your full attention.
The dream of marriage quickly turned into a nightmare.

Hello Again!
Are you surprised?
Your tongue is forged of silver.
The words you spew draw me in.

Adios!
How many times have I said this?
Your emotions are a cheap imitation.
I prefer a grave over the prison you chain me too.

-- a very quick poem by me. Not even sure if I like it yett.

I have to make the tough decisions, 'nuff said.

Early morning
The city breaks
I've been callin'
For years and years and years and years
And you never left me no messages
Ya never send me no letters
You got some kinda nerve
Taking all my world
-- The Fray
______________________
You're bad for me
I clearly get it
I don't see how something good could come from loving you

The death of me
Must be your mission
'Cuz with every hug and kiss,
You're snatching every bit of strength

That I'm gunna need to fight off the inevitable
And it's a heart-breaking situation
I'm up in but I can't control
-- Beyonce

Bad Romance.

Life offers many choices.

Which is most likely why I often find myself at some internal crossroad of some sort. Whether to move ahead, and leave my past behind, or chose left or right, where I more often than naught end up going in a huge, drawn out circle.

Like, not to say that life makes itself hard just for me, because I really don't think that way at all. But, currently, I'm faced with a decision that could change a lot of things around me. Sadly, no matter how much my inner child wants to crawl out of me, I know deep down that this is not my time to complain or think about myself.

The sacrifices that I make constantly astound me when I look back at them. I truly wonder whether I do them because I care about her so much, or because I am a glutton for pain. I think it's the former, because the pain that I do endure just for her well-being goes beyond a standard friend. Even though I still think about her constantly, and even if I still think I would be great for her, my brain has already accepted the role of she cast me in -- even if my heart hasn't accepted it yet.

I still think there will be a part of me that will always yearn for her, and that won't ever change until I find someone to replace her completely. Until then, I just roll with it.

I want your love and
I want your revenge
I want your love
I don’t wanna be friends
-- Lady Gaga

Incomplete .

Yet I really don't feel like adding anything else to it.

\_____________________________________

My mouth clamped shut.
Words are beating on the interior of my mouth.
Relentlessly trying to find a way out.
To spit those words that desperately need to be said.

My mind acts as a cowboy.
Reigning in the renegade thoughts.
Tightening the leash the more they push.
The mind doesn't trust those thoughts in this reality.

My heart weeps silently as it tries to ease the tension,
Causing a flash flood of tears.
The tears smash into the mouth,
Trying feebly to lessen the control of the muscles.

These words simply don't belong in the world.
Where things never remain the same.

Eh Eh (Nothing Else I Can Say)

I'm going to fine tune this post a bit later, but I'm kinda rushing.

Realizations in general suck ass. I mean, in theory, they should be one of the most coveted natural events that occur in this world, right? Everyone wants to be able to figure out what's bothering them, or that thing that's blocking them from seeing the truth, but why is it that whenever it happens, almost 100% of the time, everyone is wishing that they were still in a false reality?

I guess it's still the immaturity in me. There's no really other way to explain it. Over the course of the week, I've gained back my insight (which I lost for a week, haaa) and I just realized a lot about the people around me.

But, I think that I show waaay too much kindness, and I have huge expectations. Those coupled together already creates a deadly combo. I underestimate a lot of the people around me, 'cause they're not showing their affection to me, like others would.

Even more so then that, I just want to know that if I'm realllllly connected with someone, that I'll be picked first, y'know? The only issue with that, is there is something within my personality that allows them to chose that other person over me, and I'll be okay with it, and just remain silent. So then I'm just stuck, questioning myself and everything.

Ehrrr Ehrrr Ehrrr. I just wish that I wasn't so into my head all of the time.

Eh eh, eh eh
There's nothing else I can say
Eh eh, eh eh
- Lady Gaga

Speechless .

Don't you hate those awkward moments that enters into your body, and chokes your lungs, and it renders you breathless?

And you want to talk, or at the very least, be able to think, but you're just rendered speechless. The only thing that you can do is cry like a little bitch.

Haa, I've found the most amazing quote, and it happened randomly too. I was at the eye doctor's, and I was getting my vision tested. So, I said "Can you gimme a second? I need some time to focus on the letters." and the lady said "Yeah, tears help you see clearer."

Of course, tears only help you see, 'cause it keeps your eyes moist.

But other then that, when she said it, it truly struck a cord. Maybe all of the redundant tears that decide to break free from the barricades I've set up, really do serve a purpose. But as of yet, they don't serve a purpose, 'cept for ruining my tear ducts. "/

I can't belive what you said to me
Last night when we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up
--- Lady Gaga