Sunshine .

")

I'm just in a happy mood. For no reason in particular.

Well that's a slight lie.

I found my nikon, and I was looking over some old photos. And they reminded me of the precious time I shared with people, and why I wanted to be a photographer.



Greeeat times in Chemistry ahahah.



Mi amor! "D During out photoshoot. I remembered being so startled by her constant jumping around, ahaha.



Texting her during the summer after I got off of work. I thought I was soooo fly 'cause of how I shot this, lol



Same day. Just felt inspireddd.



And one of the most beautiful places in the world.

All of this stuff may seem insignificant to most, but I think it's just important for people to find those small things in life that makes you happy. Other than a palm pre ("

You're my sunshine (you're my sunshine),
You're my moonlight (you're my moonlight),
You're the starry skies above me won't you please come down and hug me,
Think I found love in this club tonight
-- Lupe Fiasco

Smile .

Hah. Quite a beautiful day. Pretty normal. Didn't do much, but went to the sprint store, deny a free phone (in lieu of me paying 200+ for another one).

But, it only got good when I was on the phone with Paranoia. After telling her straight up that she wasn't showing the affection I needed, and that once she moves, it was all up to her to keep up our friendship. So, she was telling me how she was wrapped up into this dude I will dub Ares. She was saying how sad she was, and how much she regretted not getting with him when she had a chance, and how hurt and tormented she was.

And I laughed. Kept on laughing. Then started to bust out with the jokes. True , unfiltered karma hit her smaaack dab in the heart and she is feeling what I felt, and most likely more. Only thing is that she doesn't have to carry those feelings of sadness around for over a year.

After she told me all of that, I got ready, and headed out to a party. As I was walking out, the Lily Allen song "Smile" popped into my head. I flashed back to this time where my sister was listening to it, and I scoffed at her, and called her bitter that she agrees with this song, but she told me "One day, you'll understand exactly what it means." Of course, I recounted that experience with her as I was outside, for now I finally understand the whole song. Then, I texted Robyn 'cause she just naturally followed, ahahaa. Throughout the car ride, and at the party, I was just all smiles though. Like literally, nothing could phase me, and I felt elated. I felt bad that her unhappiness was causing me such extreme elation, but all I could think about was "'BOUT TIME."

ahaha, anyways, quickkkk shout out to my (full-time) amor ("

*my creation too lol

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile
-- Lily Allen

Not Falling Apart .

So today started off normal. Trying to study for a test I should've prepared for awhile back. Got to school, studied, went to first, chilled, did the normal. Second period was great, and then lunch came, and the most awkwardest moment in my life happened.

It was most the first time I was rendered speechless, and it didn't even deal with romantics. I was shook after lunch, and left walking around all shook. Come to my algebra 2 test I wasn't exactly ready for, but I manged through it, and found out it was only practice.

It was like everything academically went right that day, but socially I was falling apart. I get home, and then I'm on the phone with Paranoia. It wasn't anything special. Nothing beyond the usual. I keep my blockades up, as usual. But they eventually erode, 'specially 'cause I can't talk to her about my issues.

So, I hung up with her to proceed and do my homework. And I start to feel my throat close up and getting anxious again, which is something that happens all to often. I feel overwhelmed, and it's usually has to do with me not managing my time correctly.

But a friend of mine was acting ignorant, and using a racial slur that wasn't necessary at all for a picture comment. And I didn't feel like chillin' with someone who can act in a certain way in one breath and in the next talk to me, 'cause "I'm an exception". So I canceled. Said my cousin Sandals was coming in, lmfaoo. But then he started to ignore me, and it was just whatever. Another mistake that's my fault.

Get into an argument with my dad, which was slightly heated. He tried me on the meaning of premeditated, and just other stuff that was draining.

I fill my mom in on what happened, and then I inquired when I could get my new phone, and even though it was something so insignificant, but it was the catalyst. The Palm Pre was something I've been looking forward too for so long. And when she said a year, I was distraught. All of the times I sacrificed was just in vain, but it was whatever.

Just in general, I've been having days where I feel defeated, but I just have to keep a stiff upper lip is all.

Try my hardest not to scream
I find my heart is growing weak
So leave your reasons on the bathroom sink
-- Maroon 5

The Coolest .

So, this bloggg post is definitely dedicated to shawn smith.



Pretty much, I started talking to this guy during May or June after I followed his blog. I heard about him before, 'cause "He's the blacker version of chris brown", and through a few mutual connections.

I always digged his style, and talked to him occasionally but it was just acquaintances, but recently, just talking to him more, and him letting me into his world, a whole new person was before me.

He's just the type of person who's easy to talk to, and each conversation is never exactly the same. Always willing to listen to new music, try new things, and always changing up his style, is extremely commendable, and I hope I can get to that point in my life soon.

The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
The coolest nigga, what? The coolest nigga, what?
-- Lupe Fiasco

"Barren"

Bent down, living on my knees.
Don't you see what you have caused?
I come to you with my heart open.
Why don't you understand?

Fighting to stay relevant, both hands on earth.
Do you remember the lies you fed me?
I let you into my life, flaws and all.
Why did you make me regret it?

Passed out, breaths are few and far.
Will you truly miss me?
I hope my defeated image haunts you.
Or would you brush me off, even in death?

Dead and Gone.
You won't shed a tear.

Poem by me.
Kinda used a Shakespearean sonnet without the rhyming or pentameter scheme .. which makes it nothing near a sonnet ahahaha.

Heartbreaker .

Yesterday I left one of the most amazing cities in the world, so far. On the car ride back, turning my Zune on shuffle, I cranked the volume up to drown out mindless chatter, and I went into my personal nirvana.

For all of five seconds.

An underrated song, Heartbreaker ft. John Legend came on. At first I really didn't think much of it. I was just immersing myself into the world that the song created. The more and more I listened to it, the more thoughts started to hit me. Isn't it funny how putting things into a different context makes it all that much different? Regardless, as I listened to that song, and paid attention to the lyrics, pressed repeat just to make sure I was hearing it right. When I knew I had, I pressed onto another song, and sat in a cramped Mercedes for about four hours thinking about my latest revelation.

Of course it's about Paranoia. I think as a self-defense mechanism, I don't really think things out clearly when it occurs. Instead, I smile and just roll with it. But, it never fails! Give it a few days, a week, or months, and it'll hit hard, and all the feelings of resentment rises right back up and rears it's ugly head right back into my life.

(Un)Fortunately, I most likely have a sure fire way out of this. She's leaving. So, no matter what, it'll be done.

But it's just horrible when you feel yourself slipping back into the grasp of someone. It's all about context, and just seeing her now, my heart goes into overdrive all on it's own, and does flip after flip. Just recently, one of the things that annoy me, is that she said "I love you" and "I'm really going to miss you."

Ehrg. asd;dfigjalkfdjasdj.

As it so happened, I was texting my guardian angel, and she's like "Paranoia is a tease." and at first I was like "Yeaah" 'cause well, that's how she operates. Then, Paranoia hits me with that mess, and I haddduh forward it to my friend. 'Cause it's true, that's all she was doing is teasing me. I guess there's more to love then romantic, like platonic love, but I know for a fact she knows what she does. Like mentioning other people around me, and how she couldn't stop staring at them. That stuff just makes me feel shitty and inadequate. <--- those are two feelings I refuse to feel. So I become heartless and mean towards her, just to even it out somewhere. My whole thought process is that if I put up emotional blockades to severe all connections with her, then maybe it won't be so bad.

Truth be told, I'm not ready for her to leave. And I desperately want to obtain the things that she denied me for too long. Warmth. Mutual love. Kiss.

Ahahaha, well. I feel lame now.

Remember when, I caught your eye,
You gave me rainbows, and butterflies,
We did enjoy, a happiness,
When our love was over, I was such a mess,
I smiled at you, and you smiled back,
That's when I knew, there's no turning back,
You said you loved me, and I did too,
Although it's over, I still love you


You're in my mind, you're in my heart,
I wish I knew, right from the start,
All my friends say, you'd break my heart,
A heartbreaker, right from the start.

I tried to fight it, I tried so hard,
And everyday I'd pray to God,
That you an me, were meant to be,
But you had another, you had a lover,
And now it's gone, I don't know why,
I feel like crying, just wanna die,
I can't look at you, and you know why,
Now I tried so hard, to catch your eye.
--MSTRKRFT ft. John Legend