But why does it seem like EVERYTHING I've been saying lately, it feels as if something is FORCING me to eat the words.
I just don't understand why I put myself in situations to fail.
But, the fact of the matter is, I need to work on that shit. I'm to old, and to battle-worn to have to worry about that.
So, onto that dead horse.
This morning started off horribly. I wake up, feeling horribly warm, and dehydrated. So I chug like 16 oz or so of water. Then I proceed to run up the steps and shit out everything that I ate yesterday.
So then, I go into my room, start cleaning it like I was suppose to.
Lately, I've been a facebook addict, so I was on it this morning, and I was IMing people, 'cause I was just so horribly bored.
And that's when I saw it. Her. On facebook IM. But.. she hasn't IMed me through AIM, like she usually does, but it didn't linger on my mind for long.
So I IM her through facebook IM, but not saying anything really. She was acting slightly different, but I didn't call her out on it.
So I'm talking to my brother on the phone, and then he ends up sending her a photo of me. Which for some reason just set me off, and started to make me really angry.
So I made small talk with her, kept it casual, and it was all good.
Then she logged off facebook, but was still talking to my brother.
SIDEBAR: The brother I'm referencing to isn't blood, so it's not as bad as it seems =P
Anyways, it dawned on me that obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. I got that from her facebook IMs, and it's just a point if she's still talking to him, but didn't IM me, obviously she didn't want to talk to me. Just stuff that my synapse connected.
My brother said, "You're never going to get over her."
But the truth is I have. Or I think I have? But it's not even a fact that she's talking to another person. That's quite irrelevant. It's just the simple fact that friday, everything seems quite chill when we're on the phone, and yet sunday you're avoiding talking to me..?
I understand yesterday's reality isn't today's reality, but all I ask for is consistency.
Ahaha, but, going back to a little kid for a second, thought perhaps, y'know, something is wrong with my AIM. And so, I asked people to make sure that I'm on AIM mobile. Which I am. And it goes through too.
So, at that point, and currently at this point, I'm incredibly cross, and just feel so blah. And, to quote someone, I'm writing out my feelings and it just makes me more mad.
But, I know I'm not going to say good riddance or I'm through with you. 'Cause I don't think I am. Part of me is. And I think the more and more things happen to me, that "Good riddance" side grows bigger and starts taking dominance.
Either way, I know I don't deserve this "love" nor do I deserve to have this feeling. To quote Kanye West, there is two keys to happiness;; changing the things that make you upset, or tolerating the things that you don't like. I've tried both, and failed miserably.
So what to do now?
But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
- Sara Barerilles
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