Pursuit of Happiness.

Life is graaand.

I think, I figured out my purpose in life. Hah, and it's kinda funny as to how it happened.

So it's saturday night, and my sister was coming back home, so I was chilling in her room. My brother called me up, and was talking about his problems. And at first, I was getting distracted by a movie and a game, but when I actually focused, I just found that I can analyze a situation and figure out what's wrong. Then my other friend texted me saying tha the needed me, and I proceeded into helping him. Then a friend called me and needed me to take care of something for him. What's so amazing about him calling is that, we don't really talk anymore. In 5th grade, we were cool. And a bit last year. But him calling me asking for help, even if it was insignificant in the long run, it still makes me feel good that people recognize me as someone that'll help 'em. Or be there.

*Not that I'm getting a messiah complex, ahahaha.

So, I decided, I'm going to help as many people as I can. Not even trying to do it for a philosophical or a religious reason. But I think I feel so useless if I don't.

I guess, it's all about one's own personal pursuit of happiness.

I got into a rather fierce argument with my dad over my online courses and stuff, and I was telling him how I'm overwhelmed with keeping up with my school work, extracurriculars, volunteering and helping out people. And then he told me what's the point of helping out everyone else if I don't have time for myself?

But where would we be if we only looked out for ourselves primarily? Maybe I'm too naive. And I know from past experience, people don't give the same courtesy back. But I try not to dwell on it too much. It's their modus operandi.

Other then the growth of a complex, I find myself stumbling into new romantic situations. I don't know what to say about "Paranoia". Right now my head is pounding but I don't think it has to do with her. But it seems like my bad moods seriously correlates to her talking to me more often. Maybe I'm being unfair to her; as I tend to do. Or I'm just justifying her actions again. Ughhh. Headache is throbbing even more.

I think I'm going to get distracted by another female again. Just to ease things on. But I feel like a hypocrite for telling everyone to confront their issues head on, and I'm not. But after so many times of saying the same thing -- I can honestly say I'm done.

But, I'm going to wrap this pity party up, 'cause there's no point to it.
Why waste my time talking about things I can't change.

HAH. Okay. Random Fact. I laugh awkwardly whenever I get like seriously seriously blown away. Like currently. I'm slightly speechless.

"Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
You don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
Tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
Tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
Tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
You don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
Rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know
Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good"
- Scott MesCudi

Lipstick.

She uses me once again.
Twist.
Push.
Pull.
Whatever her method is, she always finds a way to yank me out my comfort zone.
She coveted me once, only off of what she saw.
Now I’m nothing but an accessory to a crime of stealing man’s hearts, and
leaving them behind in shreds.
Without finesse, she rubs me all over her lips.
But doesn’t she hear me?
I scream to break free from her overbearing grip.
To escape the dark, confining prison she mindlessly shoves me in.
But how heartless is she.
She just uses me, over and over again.
And I am a cohort in countless thefts and murders.
Until she uses me up, and buys another one.
If only she would hear me.

Gravity .

So. I'm not one for beating a dead horse.

But why does it seem like EVERYTHING I've been saying lately, it feels as if something is FORCING me to eat the words.

I just don't understand why I put myself in situations to fail.

But, the fact of the matter is, I need to work on that shit. I'm to old, and to battle-worn to have to worry about that.

So, onto that dead horse.

This morning started off horribly. I wake up, feeling horribly warm, and dehydrated. So I chug like 16 oz or so of water. Then I proceed to run up the steps and shit out everything that I ate yesterday.

So then, I go into my room, start cleaning it like I was suppose to.

Lately, I've been a facebook addict, so I was on it this morning, and I was IMing people, 'cause I was just so horribly bored.

And that's when I saw it. Her. On facebook IM. But.. she hasn't IMed me through AIM, like she usually does, but it didn't linger on my mind for long.

So I IM her through facebook IM, but not saying anything really. She was acting slightly different, but I didn't call her out on it.

So I'm talking to my brother on the phone, and then he ends up sending her a photo of me. Which for some reason just set me off, and started to make me really angry.

So I made small talk with her, kept it casual, and it was all good.

Then she logged off facebook, but was still talking to my brother.

SIDEBAR: The brother I'm referencing to isn't blood, so it's not as bad as it seems =P

Anyways, it dawned on me that obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. I got that from her facebook IMs, and it's just a point if she's still talking to him, but didn't IM me, obviously she didn't want to talk to me. Just stuff that my synapse connected.

My brother said, "You're never going to get over her."

But the truth is I have. Or I think I have? But it's not even a fact that she's talking to another person. That's quite irrelevant. It's just the simple fact that friday, everything seems quite chill when we're on the phone, and yet sunday you're avoiding talking to me..?

I understand yesterday's reality isn't today's reality, but all I ask for is consistency.

Ahaha, but, going back to a little kid for a second, thought perhaps, y'know, something is wrong with my AIM. And so, I asked people to make sure that I'm on AIM mobile. Which I am. And it goes through too.

So, at that point, and currently at this point, I'm incredibly cross, and just feel so blah. And, to quote someone, I'm writing out my feelings and it just makes me more mad.

But, I know I'm not going to say good riddance or I'm through with you. 'Cause I don't think I am. Part of me is. And I think the more and more things happen to me, that "Good riddance" side grows bigger and starts taking dominance.

Either way, I know I don't deserve this "love" nor do I deserve to have this feeling. To quote Kanye West, there is two keys to happiness;; changing the things that make you upset, or tolerating the things that you don't like. I've tried both, and failed miserably.

So what to do now?

But you're neither friend nor foe
Though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
- Sara Barerilles

A Beautiful Mess.

Ahahahaha. So I'm standing here.. making myself look like an asshole, attempting, to, y'know, look out for someone, like I promise them.

And.. I'm TRYING to tell someone one thing. And trying to get it through to them. Ehr. Actually, those events occurred yesterday. Today, I get a message from the person who I was trying to convince otherwise, and it says (SIDEBAR ;; this message was sent to him from the female I was 'talking for' last night. While I was talking to her I presume)

"I highly believe one day we're going
to date. Just.. not right now.
Just be my friend right now, that's what
I need"

Ahahahaa. So I saw that message. And start to laugh. Y'know, not the laugh where things are humorous. The laugh where not only I make myself look like an idiot, going out for the limb for someone, but of an odd sense of nostaligia.

First and foremost, I told her the same thing I told someone before, 'cause they told me that they didn't like a person before hand. I told them both to nip it in the budd before they follow around forever, y'know, so they will hate them for a bit, and get over it.

Well, as it turns out, in both situations, I was dead wrong. And just left feeling so.. STUPID. And, I hate feeling stupid, and especially in a situation like this. And so, I'm going to start washing my hands off with people. 'Cause it's becoming quite rediclous at this point.

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
-- Jason Mraz

Choking.

Hmm .

And so -- an interesting point in my life just occurred.

I'm on the phone. I mention a specific item that one person would want back from me. And she says, in a quite indifferent tone -- " I don't want it back ".

Hot diggity damn.

So, that caught me off guard. I stumbled for a bit to find my place. Like.. other then the fact that it's totally unexpected. Uhm.

THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH.

^^^ that was a slight outburst.

Basically, I've been looking for signs as to if she cares, or any indication as to whether I am wasting my time even trying to voice my feelings onto her.

And she proves.. once again, that I am wasting not only time, but strength, and in the end, wasting my heart on someone who throws it away oh so casually.

I don't know why I fall so easily into these stupid little traps. I don't know why I even let myself get the slightest inclination that she may have feelings for me.

It'll only let me down.

Ehr. I believe. This is going on.. the fourth or fifth time.

Aren't I a smart one?

SIDEBAR: This blog post was initially suppose to be dedicated to my amazing weekend that I just had, spending time with my family and such, however, this matter has dominated my entire being.

Stifled.

I don't know why, but lately, creative-wise, I've been quite stagnant.

I can't seem to crank out a blog post, nor make a blog layout that I wanted, or a banner! I have the pictures, yet they don't seem to go together.. or just anything.

But school is ticking down. So, I gotta get on the ball to enjoy my final moments.

• Create my blog layout
• Finish extra credd. language arts assignment.
  
• Continue the workout
  
• Furnishing my locker with my new locker buddddy Robyn [;
• Hang with Catrina.
  

Sounds like quite a list, huh?

Everything I am.

So, at 12:00 am I received a text message from Kibby, regarding my posture.

Me: I neeeeduh work on my posture muchooo.

Kibby: You do, humpback.

Me: Lmfao that's the most hurtful thing you've ever said.

Annnnnnnnnnd, she hasn't replied back =P

But as I've been working on my posture ever since I've been volunteering at the hospital, so for a good week, I've been working on it, and I think it's getting better.

[Though my back hurts like a muduhfuhkuh]

And so, as I'm making sure my back is aligned and such, and walking around my room keeping my posture [I'm sounding awfully lame here, but bare with me]

I started analyzing myself.

How I walk, act, carry myself, and everything.

And I must say, one of my biggest influences was my brother [ of course not blood, but still close as if we were] Michael .



Fact of the matter was, swagger was a foreign word to me, until he uhh, for a lack of a better word, waltz'd into my life.

Ahaha, I'm not trying to say that he 'cause this big revolution in my life, and ever since then, I've been amazing (not to sound cocky) ahahah.

But on a real note, the thing that he gave to me which I value the most is drive. The drive to better myself in every aspect of my life. And, helped me realized I am capable of doing things on a grand scale.

Since him and I became buddies, I did get the girl I trailed after for over a year. Made numerous improvements on the body. And well, actually just changed my whole modus operandi. And for that, I thank him over and over and over again for.

Damn, here we go again.
everybody sayin' what's not for him
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
damn, here we go again.
people talk shit, but when shit hits the fan
everything I'm not, made me everything I am
-- kanYe West