Don't Let Me Fall.

(: Hi. I'm sorry I neglected you like so. I thought after my last post that I would continue cranking out blog post as fast as I usually do (or did?). But quality over quantity, right? I rather people pay attention to my blog post for it's importance, and not just because I post so much, y'know? Oh well.

A lot has been going on (per usual), and I think tonight I finally am learning how to properly deal. It's with the help of amazing people, that I think I'm actually calming down. I hate victims, because I feel that's so weak. Why blame other people for something that happened to you? Sure, you can acknowledge it, but instead of using it as a crutch to get favors, use it as foundation to boost yourself. '

Anyone that has talked to me for more than five minutes, or read my blog knows that I take on too much, don't act my age, etc. So, all that I'm going through is due to me wanting to be more grown, and take on adult issues. I was faltering for awhile, but I think without people, I wouldn't have became functional again. I've always had issue with trust, and opening up to people, and letting them know how important they are to me. But, Robyn, Kibrett, and Michael, have went beyond my expectations. I guess this post is dedicated to them more than anything.

Well it was just a dream
Just a moment ago
I was up so high
Looking down at the sky
Don't let me fall
I was shooting for stars
On a Saturday night
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
They say what goes up
Must come down
But don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
-- B.o.B

No , I have not forgotten about you.

My dear friend ; who's been here for me when others haven't. [;

ahahah. But, seriously, it has been a bit of time since I've blogged.

Recently I've gotten my wisdom teeth pulled out (all four). I've had a lot of time to sit down, and reevaluate my life, and such. The same day I got my teeth pulled, I rekindle (in my opinion at least)my friendship with my bestfriend. I thought the natural drift was occurring, and I was done trying to fight it. However, it didn't and when we actually talked for an extended period of time, it was as if he didn't miss a beat.

Just over that time period, I was trying to reconfigure my life, because I felt like I lost sight of who I was necessarily, or what I was doing. I am so used to putting on a facade so people view me as a strong, dependable person. Of course, I was just breaking down slowly internally, but my best friend fixed that. Of course, on the same token, I need to be self-efficient. I shouldn't have to wait to talk to my friend to be able to vent and fix myself.

Other than that, today, what drew me to the blog is my sense of disappointment with people. Not to sound like I'm above other people (though I come off like that, huh?), but I've learned that if you don't know what you're talking about, just stay out of it, y'know? I'm talking about politics. There's a difference between asking a question in order to further your knowledge versus making a ignorant statement. Like, if you don't have a stance on Obama or politics, but all of sudden you're against healthcare reform? Seems to me that you're just jumping on the bandwagon. I hate it when people like to live a transparent life, and takes the color of the more dominant life. Even if Hitler did horrific things, he will be (in)famous for the decisions he makes. So, I guess my priority in life is to make bold choices so I'm not stuck in the middle, because that won't get me anywhere. People will remember me as Qaree, the nice, thoughtful kid. But all of those generic titles are nice and all, but in order to get the most out of my life, I have to do things that might result in bad consequences, but it'd yield a better experience, right?

Haa, I'll chronicle my adventures anyways .

disappointments .

why do we put so much into people of they will inevitably let you down?

Coldest Winter && Why I love Kanye West .

KANYE WEST "Coldest Winter" Directed by: NABIL "ITUNES link below" from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.

In The Running For Greatest Video of All Time.

Kanye West recently dropped his new video for Coldest Winter today. I watched it, and I was blown away. The imagery, how it was shot, and everything, brought a already dope masterpiece of a song to untouchable levels.

Of course, people are going to get onto their soapboxes, and claim that this song is incredibly demonic., but after discussing it recently with a friend, I hardly think so. When I see those fiends, I think of dementors from Harry Potter (where they are most likely from) . The ending makes me feel slightly uneasy, but I think that is what the purpose of the video was. Obviously the chick in the video was to signify Alexis (I mean the wedding dress made it blatant) but, the whole video was to say, she's dead to him. Kinda harsh, but maybe he felt that there were forces in his life that was chasing her away, and at the end, after she got up all bruised, she accepted her fate. The ominous hands made me rise my eyebrows, but it just pushed the point even more.

This video actually reminded me why I loved kanye west in the first place. His video paranoid revolutionize my life, and put certain aspects of my life into perspective.

KANYE WEST "PARANOID" feat: RIHANNA Dir: NABIL from nabil elderkin on Vimeo.

The Video That Was The Song Of The Summer.

Kanye West in general just shows that celebrities are human too. He makes mistakes, he acts without thinking, etc . etc . etc. He doesn't have a issue with showcasing his life for everyone to see, and I think it's beyond respectable. He's been through two of the most tragic things possible in one year, and lets not forget his near-fatal car accident in 2004. His music reflects him in a moment in time, and yet it doesn't seem out of date when you listen to it years later, and that's a feat that few have.

-- on a side note, while reminiscing about the greatness of kanye west, I also remember the amazing discussions I used to have with Robyn about him and the music industry in general. I definitely missss that "/

Void .

"Void" seems to be a constantly reoccurring word in my life.
As a adjective it could mean:

* useless; ineffectual; vain.
* devoid; destitute (usually fol. by of): a life void of meaning.

As a noun, the meaning changes slightly:

* an empty space; emptiness: He disappeared into the void.
* something experienced as a loss or privation: His death left a great void in her life.
* a gap or opening, as in a wall.

All of that above seems to be exactly what I have been feeling lately. I feel as if something is constantly wrong with me because I can feel it around my heart. Leave it to me to actually create a medical problem out of my issues, haa.


I've just been noticing things that I don't like about myself and the world in general. I'm a slave to my phone, but even more so then that, I'm a slave to the people who populate my phone, and I hate hate hate that. I feel so dependent on people, and they all end up letting me down, and the void continues to grow.


I keep on questioning why I continue to chase after people when I know how it'll end, but I think it's apart of my genetics. Ehr, as in something I cannot change. Lately, I think my body has been in a silent protest, because I've given up working out, and putting effort into what I wear. I feel myself slipping, but then my ego spazzes out, and suddenly I'm egotistical even though I feel the complete opposite.


I've been constantly looking for something to fill the voids that have been in life. Filling up the position of a brother, a father, a lover, and a best friend. But the more I try to fill up those spots, the wider the void grows until it eventually consumes me and leaves me in a extreme stupor.


I'm hardly a person to just allow things to remain like this, so I'll rectify the situation soon enough.

Villanelle.

I like trying out different poetic formats, just to push myself. This was my first time writing a villanelle, and I kinda like itt, but I don't like how it ends. It follows a rhyming format, and you have to repeat lines 1 and 3 from the first stanza in certain places.
______________
You always think about you.
Never gave a consistent thought to me.
Even when it was overdue.

You're imprinted on me like a tattoo.
You ignore my desperate plea.
You always think about you.

I wish to bid you an adieu.
I wish to clear the debris.
Even when it was overdue.

My feelings for you grew.
You knew, and smiled with glee.
You always think about you.

Anything bad I heard, I thought untrue.
I should've saw that you were a banshee.
Even when it was overdue.

My perspective of you was askew.
Once you stung like a bee.
You always think about about you.
Even when it was overdue.

Maturity.

Pity shouldn't be used on the stupid.

New motto, because it is so true. Why waste your breath comforting someone who knows exactly what they're doing -- but continues doing it?

I got into an interesting debate today; maturity versus immaturity. How can one actually judge it?

In my opinion, maturity is accepting what life gives you, whereas immaturity is trying to find a way to change what you can't simply handle. My friend is on the other end of the spectrum, as he claims it's the other way around.

But in reality, is it? If you know someone is going to end up disappointing you, because they disappointed you before, why talk to them? Aren't you just setting yourself up to fall, especially since you already know what that person is capable of? Of course you could give the person the benefit of the doubt, and claim that they won't -- but that's just immaturity, straight up.